I know I am lucky I have 3 beautiful children already of 18, 14 and 11 years old, but when I fell pregnant at the age of 41 last March I was amazed at how excited I was. I told my children and some people at work and excitedly began to make plans, so when I started to bleed a week later, we were devastated to be told I was having a miscarriage. I didn't know how often this happened in the early days and it took a while to come to terms with losing my baby and our future.
We then decided to start actively trying to fall pregnant and so began the daily routine of urine testing for ovulation, we were so excited when within a couple of months I was pregnant again. This time we kept it quiet, not telling my children. The first 12 weeks went well - I suffered with nausea and mood swings and we joked about twins.
The morning of my 12 week scan will stay with me forever, I lay there on the bed and will never forget the sonographers "sorry" as she told us the sac was empty and I had suffered what was known as a blighted ovum, never having heard of this before all I could think was that again my baby has been taken away from me. And so began 4 months of hell.
The hospital tried firstly to remove the "products of conception" manually with local anesthetic, I can not put into words how traumatic and painful this was
Ultimately it was unsuccessful, leaving behind a large piece of the pregnancy. Next they tried pessaries to encourage my womb to contract and expel the pregnancy itself. This also failed, and a week later I became very ill. The hospital failed to follow me up and I had to have emergency surgery a month after the original diagnosis.
I desperately tried to draw a line under it, but I continued to bleed for a further 3 months. In desperation we used our savings to pay for a private doctor, who after a scan found I still retained some of the pregnancy. He operated and removed 15 cm of placenta, I ended up having 5 weeks off work recovering both emotionally and physically
That's it we decided, no more. My body had other ideas. So here I sit today at 2.45am telling you of my third miscarriage, this time a missed miscarriage. Just under 2 months ago I found I was pregnant again, we were cautious but joyful and decided this time we would pay for a private scan at 7 weeks to make sure there was something there and that it was not another blighted ovum. The elation at seeing that heart beating away on the screen was truly magical. Clutching the picture of our little T-Rex (it's what he looked like in the scan) I told a few people and my children and really believed this time it would be ok.
I was advised to have a follow up scan 2 weeks later and we excitedly agreed eager to see our little bean again. We went for our scan not imagining for one moment that there would be a problem. Devastation followed when the sonographer told us that sadly the baby no longer had a heartbeat. We asked to see for ourselves and it was obvious that our little baby had not made it.
We cried long and hard both for the 3 babies we had lost, and with the realisation that at 42, my body and eggs are too old. So here I am knowing that inside me I have my dead baby and that somehow that is going to have to come out. Dreading Monday morning and the visit to my doctor and probably the EPU to start the process all over again.
I believe I know the reason for my miscarriages, but for all those women who don't it must be terrifying. Until I spoke about my second miscarriage I had no idea how many people had gone through the same thing, and while I know the days ahead will be tough, I will get through it with the love and support of my partner, my children and friends.
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