It will be two years on the 1st September since my husband and I lost our baby at nine weeks.You might think we should have moved on by now but that is no where near the truth.
Some days are easier than others, we might even have a week or two where things are like they were before but then it all comes crashing down around us.
Maybe it is because we have not been successful since then, trying every conceivable thing we think could possibly help us expand our team like we are longing to.
Every month when my period arrives life is unbearable, reminding me of my failure and causing my husband to barely talk to me for days due to his disappointment and anger that it hasn't worked again.
It is endlessly exhausting and there are many times I feel like I just can't carry on.
We do a very good impression of a couple who are not falling apart despite the desperation and misery we are feeling. Most people don't even know what has happened to us and are probably just annoyed by the fact that we avoid contact with most people nowadays, especially as they all start their own families, leaving us behind.
We are consumed by this and no amount of holidays, massages, days and meals out, positive thinking courses, exercise and every other thing we have tried can fill our empty aching arms.
The thing that is eating away at me most recently is everything that this miscarriage has stolen from us even if we do get our longed for child.
I can barely even look at a pregnant woman let alone talk to one and so I avoid anyone who is expecting.
Who is going to want to congratulate me when I run from the room when someone brings their scan picture or newborn into the office. Who would be interested in donating to a baby collection or holding a baby shower for me when I pass on them all and pretend I don't care.
We used to have a group of friends but now we are the only childless members the invites have stopped. My husband won't even go on social media as looking at peoples families tears him apart.
In a way we are even isolated from each other as we approach our grief in different ways.
I keep mine stuffed deep inside me and carry on as if nothing is wrong while my husband has come to a complete standstill, refusing to try and carry on with life. We both feel so alone and tired of this grief. I would do anything to feel normal again.
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