It all began in March 2014. I was on the Nexplanon contraceptive implant and my partner and I planned to start our family in 2015. But apparently you don't plan these things. I fell pregnant. We were shocked but we started to slowly adjust to the fact out family would be starting a little earlier. But just as we got used to the idea, a week later, I started bleeding. I had a miscarriage.
At that point I didn't really know what to think or what could've caused it. We blamed it on bad luck. I got my Nexplanon implant removed a month later, only to find out I was pregnant. Again!! How was this possible? After initially cursing the implant for not doing it's work, we were very happy.
I wasn't too worried. Yes, in the back of my mind I knew what could happen but hey, it won't happen twice in a row, right? At 7 weeks I had my first scan. All was well. Nice steady heartbeat. We were over the moon. We were thinking about telling out family, our friends. And then, the next day, I started bleeding.
I knew what was happening. I was anxious, angry
I had a little bit of hope but as the bleeding got worse we decided to call the midwife and we got sent to the EPU. The scan revealed I was having a miscarriage. This couldn't be happening. Not again! I was heartbroken. What's the point of getting pregnant while you're on contraceptives, only to be dragged through such heart break all the time? I was left feeling so confused.
As the miscarriage was already in progress, I decided to let it happen naturally. Physically I was feeling fine. Mentally I felt like I was drowning. To distract myself I decided to continue working. I passed a lot of clots and I knew it was done.
Luckily I fell pregnant again in August 2014, this time it was planned. It was only our second month of trying. I distracted myself by working a lot of over time, not thinking about the scenarios that could probably happen again. At 7 weeks I had my first scan.
All was fine, a very healthy little bean. I still wasn't overjoyed
As the 12 weeks came around, I hadn't had a single bit of bleeding and I started to realise that maybe, or probably, we would actually become parents of a live baby! The 12 week scan showed us a very healthy, wriggly baby. I cried during the whole scan (which took 45 minutes due to him not wanting to lie still). And in April 2015, we finally became parents of a very healthy, active little boy. He is my heart and soul, the best thing that has ever happened to us!
Since then I've had one more miscarriage, and now, I'm almost 14 weeks pregnant again. Everything is going well, we're both so excited for our new little bundle of joy to arrive!
I do realise I got very lucky and people tell me this all the time. I've got a healthy boy and another healthy baby on the way. But it's painful, thinking what could've been. After 3 miscarriages I just wonder what could've caused them. Was it just bad luck? Was there really something wrong? Did I do anything wrong? This guilt will forever follow me despite what people say.
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