#misCOURAGE, 07/07/2017, by Laura
Following my first missed miscarriage in July 2016, I was delighted to finally become pregnant again in April 2017.
Due to the previous pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I was very anxious about the new pregnancy. I wanted it so badly, but I knew how easily it could be taken away from me.
However, I got through the early weeks of feeling sick and tired and made the excruciatingly long trek towards the magical 12 week mark and my first scan.
I was terrified about the scan and had had nightmares about the scan going badly and the sonographer not finding a heartbeat. I tried to be rational and tell myself that there was no need to be worried, as I'd had no bleeding, and my pregnancy symptoms were going strong.
We went into the ultrasound room and I held my breath as the gel was put on my tummy. I felt a flutter of excitement at the thought of seeing my baby for the first time. The picture hit the screen and the mood in the room changed. Instead of a tiny baby moving around, there was just a large black mass.
It turns out that I had had a 'blighted ovum' or 'anembroynic pregnancy'. There was no baby. Just an ever increasing empty sac. It was about the size of a lime and had caused my stomach to swell with a bump.
I was so angry that my body had tricked me. Why was my body the last to know that in fact there wasn't a baby? Why did I still feel sick, have the food aversions, the baby bump? I was devastated.
I felt foolish that I'd allowed myself to fantasise about future plans, daydream about names, and create the cutest pregnancy announcement you've ever seen. One that would never actually be seen by anyone but my husband and I.
The worst bit was waiting to see if my body would eventually catch up with my brain and realise that there was no baby to sustain. It didn't. So, I had the hard choice of choosing how to 'remove the products'. (An upsetting phrase.) For me it was like deciding whether I'd prefer to be given a broken arm or a broken leg. Nothing seemed like a good option. After lots of agonising I decided on medical management.
At least now the miscarriage has actually happened, I feel like I can move on. It's still difficult and pictures of babies can make me tear up, but I'm still hoping that perhaps it will be a case of third time lucky!
I'm so pleased to be sharing my story, as reading other people's stories made me feel less isolated. It really shouldn't be a taboo subject. It's so helpful knowing you're not alone. I can only hope that this helps others in some small way.
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