#misCOURAGE story by Kali,
March 17th, 2017 is when I found out my partner and I were expecting a little one. It was a surprise to the both of us, we felt very scared, discouraged, and overall joy to be able to bring a baby into the world. I've been dreaming about being a mother and emotions came in all forms to the both of us.
I made my first prenatal appointment to come in around 9 weeks along. My partner and I were already looking at ways we would like to make the nursery, wondering if baby would be a little boy or girl, the massive amount of love and support the baby would have. Through the struggle of morning sickness, I was pushing through to our appointment. The day came and we went and my uterus was growing, my hormones were going up and everything seemed fine, until we had our first ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. The doctor told us to come back in a week and there could be a heartbeat. I immediately started crying and worrying.
As christian followers we prayed for a miracle to happen, we never wanted anything more at this point. As you can imagine, I started to spot and we went back to doctor to find out there was still no heartbeat and I was miscarrying. They called it a missed miscarriage because my body didn't recognise that there was something wrong. One of the worst days of our life. We felt so hopeless, that it was our fault, but it was not. There was nothing for us to do.1 little angel to heaven at the end of May.
A couple months later after strong grieving we decided to try this time to have a baby, a planned pregnancy. We prayed for a miracle to just to have our baby back. After a month of trying I was pregnant again! I cried tears of joy. August 2017. I wanted to surprise my partner with the exciting news. I made a shadow box with a rainbow saying the month our baby would be born, and a special letter I created from our angel baby in heaven, I also put the pregnancy test and little newborn booties. I planned this out and waited 5 whole weeks to tell him, I wanted the surprise to be perfect and a beautiful moment we both would remember our RAINBOW BABY.It was so exciting considering the pain we suffered from the first one. I was happy to be sick this time and feeling all the pregnancy symptoms, it was reassurance to us.
At 12 weeks, there was no heartbeat and my uterus was collapsing. I had to get a D&C (surgery ) to remove the fetus, so we could find out why I had 2 recurrent miscarriages. They provided all kinds of testing to see if there was something wrong with me or the baby. There was nothing, I and the baby were perfectly healthy and that was great, but so discouraging considering there is no answer on why my babies had to be taken away from me. We found out the gender of our second baby; a little girl. I think hearing the gender made us feel so much more pain.
I fell into a hard depression and grieving is still a very long process to me. Everything reminds me of why can't I hold my little angels. Its all too confusing to my partner and I. At my hospital they provided a memorial burial service for those who miscarried. Burying our daughter has never hit me so hard. It was closure that she was in heaven with her our first little one. I cant wait till the day I can finally meet them both. My partner and I are in the process of discussing if we want to try again for another, but we are holding back because you get so much hope and then get let down. Its been a very rocky journey, but made us so much stronger and come together as a couple. We cherish the little things and the short months I was able to carry our babies in my tummy. We both got angel wing tattoos to remember our bundles of joy. Never lose hope, miracles happen everyday!
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