Story of #miscourage by Charlotte,
10 and a half weeks pregnant wandering round mother-care, I pictured our future in front of us.
Black Friday deals had hit the store and with just over a week before our scan, a bargain caught our eye. A beautiful white cot/cot bed and matching draws with a changer on top. They say it's bad luck but I never really believed in that so me and my partner went ahead with the purchase.
A few days later the furniture was delivered and it was all becoming real. Little did we know our dream was to be cut short. Early hours in the morning I woke up, went the toilet and found spotting on the tissue. I had read this could be normal so I went back to bed. Once I had woken up, the bleeding hadn't stopped so I confided in my fiancé. As the day progressed, the pain got worse n at that moment I knew we were losing our baby. Panicked and in a daze of confusion I called our midwife who told me to call the doctors and she would try and arrange an early scan for us. A day or so after, we walked into the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) where we were led into the scanning room. Lying on the bed, squeezing my partners hand, I knew the dreaded words we were about to be told. 'I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat'. We were also told our baby had stopped growing around 9 weeks. At that instant I felt my world crashing around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I grabbed my fiance and repeatedly apologised for losing our baby. We just held each other and cried. So desperate for the baby we never even got to meet.
Leaving the hospital, we called our family. We just didn't have the words to say to explain to them that everything we had ever dreamed about had been ripped away from us and there was nothing we could do.
When at the hospital I was asked what I wanted to do in the next stage and was told I could call back in a few days with our decision. There was no other option for me than to pass our baby naturally.
4 days into our miscarriage and the pain was unbearable. I was having crippling pain for around 12 hours at a time, completely unable to move. My fiancé was so amazing and strong. He'd lost his baby yet remained strong for my sake and was doing everything possible to support me. After suffering more than I could take, I called EPU and asked if there was any medication I could take as I had tried all over the counter meds that I could think of. The nurse recommended they book me in for another scan to see what was going on as the pain should of eased by now. The next day, they told me to go up the hospital to be scanned. A lady came to me and spoke to me about options. She recommended having the surgery as it may be the best option for me. We were then taken to another lady to be scanned internally. A few minute in, she left to get a second opinion. After what seemed like forever of both ladies talking, they asked me to get dressed and wait in the waiting room. 10 minutes later, we were taken into another room where a nurse explained they think the baby had got stuck in my cervix which is why I was in so much pain. She explained they had called the doctor and he could open my cervix and if the baby was there then he would be able to pull our baby out.
Once the doctor arrived, he explained the procedure and I was asked to lie on the bed. As the procedure began, the pain was even worse than I had experienced. It felt as though I was dying a slow and painful death. I cried so hard everything went white. Once our baby had been taken out, the bleeding was beyond describable. I was asked to stay in for supervision until I felt better due to the blood building up and been released so quickly, I went faint. It was like we were living a nightmare. Our baby had been cruelty taken from us and now I was suffering physically too.
Back at home I tried to get some rest. Yet again my partner was the perfect man. Looking after my every need. 2 days later, the pain was back. Confused as to why, I called 111 who were going to send an ambulance as they though I had an infection. I declined and said my partner would take me. At the hospital, I was canulated and asked to wait for the doctor. After running to the toilet all night to try and ease the pain, I passed a clot about 3 inches long and an inch wide which the nurses had seen. Going back to my fiancé I had told him of what had just happened, thinking everything would start to get better yet I was wrong. Once the doctor had been, he recommended another scan. The results showed I still had blood and clotting left in my womb and the best option they believed for me was surgery.
I couldn't believe how quickly our life had been turned upside down!
A few hours after the surgery I was allowed home. 12 days of pain and two additional weeks of bleeding, we could start focusing on grieving but I just couldn't find a way out of this dark hole. In fear of upsetting my fiancé and family, I kept my emotions to myself. Trying to speak to friends about what had happened and as much as they tried to give advice it just wasn't what I wanted to hear. 'There's always next time'. 'At least you can get pregnant'. 'It just wasn't the right time'. The list goes on. I think at this point I started to fall into depression. I had booked an appointment at the doctors who offered me medication and counselling. I declined the meds but called the counsellors and was informed there was a long waiting list but I got the ball rolling. A month later and cracks started to show in our relationship. I had pushed my partner so far away and locked myself up that we had just kept arguing. We were dealing with losing our baby in different ways but as I chose not to open up to him, it made it difficult to see we were on the same side. He finally made me realise I needed help so I agreed to take the medication until my sessions started. I was so wrapped up in myself, I hadn't paid attention to the fact that my fiancé was grieving too!
Life started to carry on without us. When we decided to start trying for another baby, I started to become obsessed. Doing at least 3 pregnancy tests a month convincing myself I was pregnant at the slightest symptom only to be faced with that dreaded 1 line. One Saturday morning, 4 months after we lost our first Angel, I decided to do another test, only this time there was two lines! My heart bursting with joy, I couldn't wait to tell my partner! We had another chance at becoming parents to a baby born on earth. We decided not to get too carried away. We were right not to. The following Monday, 2 days later, I started bleeding. I just knew. I went in n told my fiancé who just cuddled me. He knew too. That pain I had felt the first time had returned yet not half as bad. It lasted the day and then went. I bled for a further 2 days and that was it. Our baby was gone at 5 and a half weeks.
The pain we both felt was excruciating. Why us? We were hard working people desperate for our own little family.
Our 2 year old Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Major, had been such a rock for us. Always tried to cheer us up! He knew something wasn't right and showered us in love, as he usually would!
I became more angry at life. Frustrated that there are druggies, child abusers and people that treated their children so badly able to have healthy babies. Yet we had lost 2 angels. It just seemed so unfair! I resented anyone who found out they were pregnant because they had what we always wanted.
2 months later, my counselling had started. After our 6 sessions, I began to understood how I deal with things and looked at ways I could cope better. Me and my partners relationship was getting back on track and I started opening up to him more.
My parents helped us pay for an all inclusive holiday abroad as they said we needed a break and some time to relax. I was just so relieved, I couldn't stop crying and thanking them.
Less than 2 weeks after returning from holiday, I noticed I had been feeling sick, tired and urinating more frequently. I had put it down to being exhausted from not sleeping well at night and having a water infection. After at least a week, I thought I'll do a test. Sure it would be negative, seeing them 2 lines appear, I cried with joy! Shorty after, them tears of joy were followed by tears of fear. Realising our worst nightmare could happen for a third time. I raced out to get a clear blue as they were more reliable than the cheaper version I had used. Waiting eagerly for 3 minutes, my partner decided he wanted be the first to see. What seemed like a lifetime padded n he confirmed I was pregnant!
We decided to be more cautious this time. We decided to inform people at work as I worked as a carer in the hospital. One evening, I travelled on the way to my night shift when pain ripped through my side. I was told to go to A&E where my fiancé met me. After 8 hours and being released at 6am, we were exhausted. We had a scan which confirmed our pregnancy was not eptopic and that everything seemed fine! We were so relieved! Our scan showed I was 7 weeks pregnant but as we had only lost 2 angels, we weren't entitled to more scans so we paid privately for a 10 week scan. Lying on the bed, fear ripped through us. I gripped my partners hand and refused to look at the screen until the nurse had said something. We explained my nerves and why I was crying. After a minute or so, she said the words we had been longing to hear, 'baby I'd fine! Look, they're waving at you! S/he has a good heartbeat'. I cried even more! Me and my fiancé were mesmerised by the screen, watching our tiny baby safe inside!
I am currently 11+1 weeks pregnant with our 13 week scan in 2 weeks. We're feeling more positive this time! There is nothing more we want than to have our little family but we will never ever forget our 2 angels in the sky!
I wanted to share our story because at first, miscarriage wasn't something that was spoken about very often.
Once I started to open up, a lot of other women, even friends I had worked with every day opened up to me and shared their experience when they had miscarried. There is so much stigma around miscarriage and their shouldn't be! At the end of the day it's our baby and we will never be afraid to remember them. There is nothing to be ashamed about. All the times I blamed myself and convinced myself I couldn't have children, I was wrong. Please don't ever blame yourself. Stay strong. Believe in yourself x
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer