My husband and I were trying for a little miracle for 8 years, we had a miscarriage in June 2014 and it absolutely broke my heart but I coped and pushed the heartache away because no one wanted to know how I really felt.
Fast forward a year, and we find out we are pregnant again, we had an early scan, and this time it was with twins.
We are shocked but ecstatic at the thought of having two at once! Feeling completely scared that the same thing is going to happen again I didn't let myself get too excited or truly believe that I was going to be a mummy.
Our 12 week scan came after a torturous wait, there they were, both little babies and gorgeous hearts beating to their own little rhythm. They were so perfect and I couldn't help but secretly feel happy and excited. A week later we finally decide to announce the amazing news to our family and friends, they were all sooo very happy for us, another two weeks pass and my husband is out if the country and I cannot help but feel like something is wrong.
I have a tiny gush in my knickers and I panic and go straight to the Drs, all checked and all was fine, but still the feeling would not pass. I tell my husband and he tells be in being silly and we saw the scan, they are both fine. I try to push this feeling away but still it will not budge!
Then I have a dream that one baby is coming out of my tummy and I'm trying to push the baby back inside but the baby just keeps coming out. That's when I realised that something must be wrong. My husband made me an appointment for a private scan and walking in to it I could already hear them saying "I'm so sorry".
I lay down on the cold bench with the cold jelly and they start to scan. We see a heart beating and I'm a little relieved... a lot relieved! 1 heartbeat found 1 more to go. She scans over again and tells me there's two heartbeats but she's scanned over the same baby twice. Once she's realised her mistake she moves the scanner over to the right and there it is, those two words no pregnant women ever wants to hear "I'm sorry".
I don't know how to feel, happy one baby is ok for now, and completely and utterly heartbroken for my now Angel baby I never got to kiss goodnight and tell him/her how much I love him/her. I had to break the news to my husband over FaceTime, he was completely alone with no one to hug him or tell him it's all going to be ok.
He got an early flight back to be with me. Then came the telling people, that has to be the hardest thing we ever had to go through but the response we got wasn't as I was expecting. I was expecting everyone to be as heartbroken about my Angel baby as I was and yes, some were, but the majority of people just said "aww I'm sorry, at least you still have one".
Yep "at least we still have one! ".
I wanted people to be as confused about how to feel as I was.
I wanted to mourn my Angel but everyone was telling me to "be strong" and to "concentrate on the baby that's ok" but I was still carrying my Angel which people didn't understand. A few weeks passed and it was like everyone had forgotten about our angel and what we were both going through, I felt like people shouldn't be allowed to be happy, I was heartbroken and still carrying my Angel and they should be feeling the same as me.
It took me up untill the end of my pregnancy to feel like everything might actually be ok with my little boy. It's been 6 weeks since giving birth to both my babies and I thought I was ok but I still don't feel I've got my goodbye. This feeling I have will never go away. I look at my gorgeous son sometimes and can't help but think what my angel would have looked like, would they have the same eyes and nose? Or would they look completely different?
We are still waiting to hear from the hospital whether our angel was a boy or girl. We had our angel cremated with Zachary's placenta so they will always be together. When we get the ashes back we are going to plant out angel with a tree so our angel has a chance grow too. I am hoping this will give me some closure but I think my heart will always ache for my angel ♥︎
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