#misCOURAGE 04/10/17 by Andrea
Miscarriage seems to be taboo.
Not only in the UK but around the world.
I can understand why. Very few people know how to react / help / support parents that just lost a baby. Before it happened to me, I never knew how to react...
There also seems to be this idea that the pain is less if you lose the baby early in pregnancy. No. It's not.
We loved our child from moment that we saw that positive result in the pregnancy test. So regardless of how far in the pregnancy a woman is, the majority of women will hurt and suffer when they lose their child.
Some of us will take years to be able to speak about that. Others will be strong enough to recover from the pain in weeks. And it's ok. People suffer in different ways. Some manage to face things in a cool calm and collected state. Others need professional help. Again it's OK.
Some bury what happened deep inside their souls. Some decide to talk about it to create awareness. I tried to bury what happened and it didn't help, so today I decided to speak up to create awareness.
Here is our story:
66 days ago we went into a dark room in hospital hoping to see our long wanted child's heart beat for the first time.
We heard nothing but silence. The sonographer didn't even look at us when she said: "it seems the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks pregnancy. But you will need to come back in a week to confirm", she smiled and dismissed us as if we were nothing but numbers on her spreadsheet.
I can't remember walking out of the hospital. All I can remember was Carlos' voice asking me to try to stay calm. I can't remember driving back home... It's all as if I was outside my own body in the middle of a foggy day.
We never had the second scan.
63 days ago I had the confirmation that my body had betrayed me. That I had failed my unborn child, I had failed my partner and I had failed my sons.
After 12 months of trying to conceive a very wanted 3rd child, a child that our boys also wanted, I lost it. We lost it.
I remember losing control of my actions when I called my parents to tell them I was losing my baby. I will forever regret that because my boys saw me uncontrollably shouting and crying on the phone. They didn't need to see their mum like this. I can still hear my voice, as if I was again outside my body.
I vaguely remember going to hospital. Funny enough I remember the faces of all medical staff that saw me that night, and who treated me as if I was one of their relatives. For that I am forever grateful.
Carlos was a constant presence next to me and although he was also in pain, he was my rock and never faultered. He was my lighthouse in a dark dark night.
Some of the few people that knew what had happened told me all sorts of random things. From "it wasn't meant to be" to "at least you have your boys". I can understand why they were telling me this... If they only knew how much it hurts.
The there were those who just let me be. I think these were the ones that truly helped. When an animal is wounded, it needs to be left alone to recover. Humans are the same. Or at least I was the same.
63 days later I still find myself unconsciously putting my hand in my tummy. Them I remind myself that there's nothing there. Knowing our family will be incomplete will forever be my greatest regret. And today... 66 days later, I somehow know that I will never stop feeling guilty. I didn't want to be 1 in 4... I didn't ask to become a statistic.
When someone you know loses a child please don't forget:
1 It's a child, a human being no matter how small.
2 Fathers grieve too. Please offer them support as well.
3 Simply ask them how you can help. If they want to speak, they will, but please don't get them wrong if they tell you to leave them alone.
4 Don't say things like, "it wasn't meant to be"(we feel helpless enough as it is), "you will get over it" (a mother or father NEVER gets over the loss of a child), "at least you have your child /children" (each family loves their children independently, although some couples have to live with infertility, the pain of loss is exactly the same), "you can always try again" (for some couples, that was their last chance...)
5 Parents of miscarriage or still born children are always parents. Don't treat what happened to them like statistics.
To our twinkle star, we will always love you and forever miss you.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer