Tired

I just found out at our 12 weeks scan that our baby has died 2 weeks ago. We were so excited before the scan.

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#misCOURAGE 17/08/17 by Celine 

I just found out at our 12 weeks scan that our baby has died 2 weeks ago. We were so excited before the scan.

We went to the pub and sat in the sun, relishing our afternoon off both from work and from looking after our little boy, who was with his child minder .

A very rare occurrence for us as we don't have family close by to help out. I had 2 early scans because of my 2 previous miscarriages.

One at 6 weeks and one at 8. At 8 weeks, I saw a heartbeat. I started relaxing at that point and even thought about maybe get a new maternity dress or tops for the summer.

We had been so cautious when talking about the future for this pregnancy. Every conversation about it would start with "If everything goes well, if we have this baby etc...". I cried from frazzled nerves 2 days after getting my positive pregnancy test. I felt I couldn't go through another miscarriage. From then on, completing another week became a victory. Soon enough however, I couldn't wait to get to the end of the next one.

I wanted to be out of the danger zone, to start having some sort of reassurance our little one would make it, that we'd hold him or her in December or January. My morning sickness hit me badly from 7 weeks. Much worse than with my son. The thirst I had experienced with him came back with a vengeance : I would drink 4 l a day and 1 listening at night. It was tough. Work was hard. I teach languages in a secondary school, and standing up all day without much of a break took its toll. I only took 2 days off, mostly because of exhaustion. I kept on thinking I needed to hold on tight, the morning sickness would go eventually. The thirst was horrible however, no doctor seemed to take it seriously .

Apparently, GD only strikes in the 3rd trimester, when I was diagnosed with it with my son. Still, I felt the unquenchable thirst was way off the scales of "normal ".

Those 3 months were hard, long and anxious but we started relaxing at around 10 weeks, and to tell people. And then those words "I'm so sorry, I can't see a heart beat ". The joy I had felt that day was shattered and my heart broke. Several times. I have cried every day for the last 3 days. I'm so sorry my baby. I don't know what happened. I wanted you so bad, my tiny little one. I saw you on the screen and these first few seconds were so special. I found you very still but thought we might have a calm chilled out baby.

After a few anxious seconds,I asked the dreaded question "Can you see a heartbeat? ". It was like walking slowly into a nightmare. .. I couldn't face the waiting room we had to pass through as my eyes were red and puffed out, and my husband held my hand very tight and said

"Let's just walk through quickly. You can do it ".

We have told people who didn't even know we were expecting a baby. I have felt the need to talk, cry. I'm not done yet. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to pass the baby with medical management. I couldn't face the surgery option. I suppose I have to cancel the 16th week appointment in 3 weeks time ... And to return the nice maternity dress which was on sale and that I couldn't resist buying on Monday. I'm tired. I'm turning 40 in December. I want to be taken seriously, listened to by the professionals.

I just want another child. I'm glad I've asked for a picture of my second scan with this baby. You can just about make the head, body, arms and legs. My baby. I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you safe.

I love you.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 24 Aug 2017 - 02:12

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in April, and I can definitely relate to "tired." Sending love from Boston, Ma.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 23 Aug 2017 - 16:26

    Good luck with the medical management. I had mine on Friday. I'm not going to lie, I found it traumatic and ended up in surgery. I don't feel like there's enough awareness about exactly what these things entail. It's all very glossed over as if everything will be fine. Just be aware that anything can happen x

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 24 Aug 2017 - 16:11

    Hi, Thank you for sharing your experience, we hope that you are recovering as well as can be expected after what sounds like a very difficult time for you. If you would like to speak to the Tommy's midwives for any support then please email us or call us on 0800 0147 800 9am-5pm Monday to Friday or email [email protected] Best Wishes Tommy's Midwives x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 23 Aug 2017 - 16:10

    My stories similar to yours and yesterday had surgery as I couldn't face waiting naturally again for the third time in a year :(
    Today my midwife called to ask wht he went wrong and if I wanted referred to a consultant as she knew how desperate we were for a baby... too little too
    Late I said, as I had asked for tests etc before and was told they weren't required :( now my babies lost again their tests are no use

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 24 Aug 2017 - 16:06

    Hi, Thank you for you comment.

    We are so sorry to hear of your loss, it is unimaginable how you must be feeling right now. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Any miscarriage is heart breaking but after 3 miscarriages your GP can refer you for further tests into recurrent miscarriage, it may be too soon at this time but when you are ready and if you feel that this would be an option for you, please visit your GP who will be able to advice you further. If you would like support or further advice please contact the Tommy's midwives via email on [email protected] or call 0800 0147 800 Monday to Friday 9am-5pm. Take care Tommy's Midwives x

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