Story of #miscourage by Sally,
This was our third pregnancy and second miscarriage. It occurred to me the other day that I've been pregnant as many times as my Mum - yet she has three children and we have one.
The similarities to the last miscarriage are striking. We weren't 'trying' so I hadn't been taking my folic acid (something to beat myself with - tick), I was out drinking the night before we found out we were pregnant (another thing to beat myself with - tick), I was crazy busy at work (something else to beat myself with - tick)... The list goes on. Both were 'missed miscarriages' - the final stick to beat myself with. How could I miss the day my babies' hearts stopped beating? How could my body deceive me into thinking I was pregnant all those weeks when it was already over?
Deep down, I know (sort of) that I didn't cause this miscarriage, or the last one, and these thoughts are just a by product of me over-thinking and trying to find a rational answer for why we lost our third baby - the younger sibling we had already started imagining for our son. There is no apparent reason to explain what happened - "it's just one of those things" people tell me. And that's really hard to stomach. Because those little lives mattered. And it could happen again. And that scares the hell out of me. Was my son a little miracle? Will we be able to have another child? How many times can I put my body, mind and the people I care about through this? We're so lucky to be blessed with one child - should we count that blessing and avoid the pain?
With this pregnancy we had an early scan at six weeks and our little lentil had a heartbeat. We started to quietly share the news with those closest to us - something I have no regrets about. With our first pregnancy we didn't tell many people, and we found ourselves in the position of having to tell people we had been pregnant and miscarried all at once. That was tough. Others never knew and I was so angry and upset that their worlds kept spinning when ours had been turned upside down. How could they not tell?
Now, I try to be as open as I can that I've experienced miscarriage. I didn't know anyone that had been through it before and since I've started sharing, more and more people have too shared their experiences and pain, which they've been quietly dealing with on their own. That breaks my heart.
I chose to have the ERPC procedure this time, which, if I could turn back the clock, I wish I had done last time too. But instead I chose to have a medically managed miscarriage and bled so much that I need emergency surgery in the middle of the night. That experience haunts me to this day and made what was an already heart-breaking experience that more painful.
Sadly, the giddy excitement and innocence of creating a human life has gone for me. They made it all sound frighteningly easy at school didn't they?!
So I'll end on these words that a friend wrote in a card to me and my husband. "When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on tight".
These stories of #miscourage are our knots. Let's hold on tight to each other and get through this together. One day at a time.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer