#misCOURAGE story, 30/01/2016, by Donna Rae
After suffering 4 miscarriages with the latest at 11w3d we welcomed our daughter in 2010. Lively, confident and eager to please we dreamed of giving her a sibling to share in the joy of her life.
Surely we've done it once we can't be that unlucky to loose any more. Boy were we wrong!
Pregnancy number 6 with progesterone supplements and low dose aspirin (as prescribed during recurrent mc treatment) I thought we would be fine. Sadly it wasn't to be.
Mc number 5 confirmed
After our 4th mc my husband went into a deep depression. No one really thinks about dad, they are expected to be strong for you both but they feel too.
Not only have they lost the baby too but the person they love is broken. No longer the bubbly happy outgoing person they have known for years.
"I'm done" was my exact sentiment, I can't do this any longer. 10 years in total of ttc, counting dates, temp reading, ovulation tests, fertility appointment and surgeries. We decided he would go for "the snip" decision made and week before appointment I felt off.
Surely not!? But yes 2 lines! Wow OK here we go again.
We kept the appointment and the procedure was completed. Finally all the eggs are now in the basket there will be no more.
We got to 12 weeks, we got to 16 weeks, we got to 19w6d! Next day is 20 week scan so excited we decided to get moses basket and bedding from the loft.
That afternoon though I had a heavy feeling, baby was moving fine but went to the loo and there was a dreaded sight! Blood! Not much but it shouldn't be there right?! Calm down, deep breaths.
So after lying down on the couch I started getting pains. Another trip to the loo resulted in a gush of water. Frantically we called hospital and rushed out. Midwife tried hb and stuff led but I'm slightly larger so that's normal for me.
Shortly after arriving at the hospital I was asked for a urine sample (there was more blood than urine). They were worried so brought the portable scanner through.
There is baby and there is heartbeat! Oh god the relief.
We're concerned there isn't much fluid around baby so we'll likely keep you for observation they said. First we'll check everything is closed.
Half way through the examination she stopped and looked sadly at us and said I'm very sorry but I'm afraid your baby won't be ok, the cord is already through the cervix.
I don't remember much after that, it's a bit of a blur including examinations, tears and fear. Fear about can I do this, what will the baby look like, how do I tell my daughter she won't be a big sister any longer. Will hubby be ok, can we survive this, will he blame himself?
After just over 5 hours of this nightmare our 2nd daughter was born asleep on 15th June 2014. Perfect in every way, 10 fingers and toes, tiny but perfect.
We all deal with things differently and my husband and I are no exception. I held her, spoke to her but he couldn't I think if he had he would have crumbled and never really recovered. I understand this but it still haunts me that he never held her.
Everyone was devastated by our news. Our daughter was born at 19w6d on fathers day, I gave birth to her but she doesn't exist. She doesn't have a birth certificate or death certificate.
She had a funeral though of that we were determined. My only regret was that I shut my close friends out of the funeral. They asked for the details and I said no. I didn't want to put anyone through this ordeal who didn't need to. Now I wish I had given them the choice.
We have our daughters ashes in a box, we have a memory box with precious photos and prints of her hands and feet that the midwife took for us.
We talk about her with our daughter who is now 6 years old. We will keep her alive, she is always a part of our family. I have a day each year that I deal with the grief, I have to function, I have to be there for my daughter she deserves that but that 1 day each year is hard.
That sounds like each day isn't hard (which isn't the case) it's just it's the day I accept all the grief in waves.
Throughout all my experiences with ttc, fertility issues, pregnancy, miscarriages and birth I have always believed there is always someone worse off that myself.
During early mc I thought how hard it would be if someone got past 12 weeks and lost, then I though what about if you lost after 20 weeks, what about the baby passing away during labour or beyond. It helped me deal with every event we went through and still does.
I am fortunate, I have felt the joy of those 2 lines, the worry of knicker watch, the uncomfortable feeling of heartburn, the joy of hearing the heartbeat, the fear of the unknown and the ultimate experience of bringing a life into this world no matter the outcome.
We are amazing creatures, the strength and determination we have when needed makes us human.
Despite all this it still hurts, it's like someone has pulled your heart out, the ache is so intense nothing dulls it.
There is always someone worse off but it matters to you, so embrace the grief, worry and ultimate joy as it's yours and it's part of your story.
Thank you for giving me the privilege of sharing my story and remember it is worth it I promise.
Love to everyone going through this.
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