#misCOURAGE story, 08/03/2017, by Shannon
When you hear the word miscarriage what is the meaning to you? It's not spoken about freely.
Usually you think of it as "it only happens to other people" when in fact through my endless reading between tears of other's stories that it definitely not the case. Did this help coping? Maybe a little knowing I am not alone, however each feeling and story is different.
This is mine.
When Jon and I found out we were expecting it was such a mix of emotions, excited, nervous and so curious because we have been together over 7 years at this point and this was our next step!
I knew one day we would have children but it still didn't seem like we were "old enough" even at 27 and 28- until the moment I told him.
I had quite a few tragedies happen to my family over the past few months, this was finally something happy and exciting for my family!
My birth mother Mary, my big sister Brittany and I had reunited back in 2010. It was such a beautiful reunion and a future amazing relationship!
My dad had a stroke on my birthday and needed major surgery to stop from a future massive stroke. Thankfully he recovered very quickly and is getting better every day.
My sister had her second baby with her fiancée a few months ago. Her fiancé left this world too soon right after their daughter was born and I was there for her and strong for her during that time of pain that I still can't imagine even now.
Mary my birth mother had cancer and she too left this world too soon a month after Billy. I was there to tell her that I loved her so much, I never blamed her for anything and that I had a wonderful life with my parents, she gave them something they themselves had wanted for so long something no one else could of.. me. Those feelings were unimaginable to even describe.
I was convinced that this blessing was Mary, she was giving us a gift so everyone could know she was still with us! Jon had the reaction I anticipated he was so happy and I was happy.
From those moments on I thought so far into the future that I forgot about the present.
I didn't consider that a bad thing I like to be prepared.
It seemed as though this would go by fast since I had no negative pregnancy signs no morning sickness no cravings no sensitivity to smells or at least not yet. Just that soreness in my breasts that seemed like would never end.
We got to tell close family and friends about our new upcoming development. Most reactions were "finally" and "it's about time" the same ones as when we got engaged back in May 2016.
We started taking measures of things we wanted to do eventually but with a baby those projects would be much harder to do.
Our first appointment we didn't really know what to expect. We were impatient when it came to seeing our baby for the first time, however that wasn't the case we filled out paperwork and had an estimate due date based on my last cycle.
Then came the waiting game of our first ultrasound, 2 and a half weeks it seemed like an eternity! If only I knew what an eternity felt like then I would take that in a second compared to now.
My friend had an app for me to track my baby's development - she was over the moon with excitement one day she said your baby is the size of a blueberry! I thought that was a cute way to address the little one growing inside me, and it stuck.
Jon and I talked to blueberry a little bit and referred to all things baby as "blueberry". Even people at work knew about my baby blueberry and got excited when I would talk about the progress. Then the day before the ultrasound came.
The nerves and excitement were overflowing I could barely control myself.
I tried going to bed early but that was a joke especially since Jon worked overtime on second shift he wasn't there to pass the time.
We woke up on Thursday morning, I practically jumped out of bed and went into the shower. I put on my makeup because I wanted to take a few pictures after our sonogram photos had been printed and I needed to look like that glowing mother to be!
Today would be the day we would share our news on Facebook finally!!!
When we got into the office I looked around and it was obvious it wasn't everyone else's first ride. We looked like we were at our first day of school dressed nice with big sparkling eyes waiting for the fun stuff to come along.
About 10 minutes after 10 we were called back I got weighed and dressed into the lovely paper gown. The dr came in and did a quick annual exam which is never pleasant but she was quick about it all.
I noticed during the breast exam that they didn't hurt all that much like they did the week before.
Then the moment that we had been waiting for, the ultrasound and yes it had to be the internal since I was only 10 weeks along I guess it's the best way to see your little ones extremities. I could of preserved this moment forever if only it had gone the way it was supposed to...
She inserted the long wand and it wasn't as bad as I thought I caught a breath of relief and then we saw it! Our blueberry was on the big screen in front of us, all I could say was "wow! That is so cool to see".
Jon held my hand as she told us where blueberry's head and bottom were then she got silent as she moved the wand throughout entirety of my lady bits.
I assumed that she was allowing us to take all of this in; the fun stuff that our sparkling bright eyes were looking for when we walked in.
Nothing in my wildest dreams could have prepared me for what happened next, time stood still.
My entire world as I knew it had shattered in one sentence: "there's some fluid I'm concerned about and there should be a flicker here for the heart beat."
As she used the mouse pointer and circled around the chest of our blueberry. She went on to talk about chromosome abnormality at that point I knew what happened.
Our blueberry was gone, she said it must of happened either the day before or 2 days before.
I blacked out I didn't know what to feel I went numb.
I managed to hear her say it was NOTHING that we did wrong and that it was normal for my body to recognize it and "do what it had to do".
She left so I could get dressed and it hit me I said "is this real?!" Jon just held me like I never felt him hold me before. I attempted to get my emotions together by the time she returned. That was unsuccessful.
She came back in and gave me my 3 options:
1- I could do this the natural way at home but then in turn be in the er from blood loss and pain.
2- take a pill that would speed up the process in my body but in turn would end up in the er by the same means as before.
3- a d and c surgery. With little recovery and better chances of not getting an infection.
We decided it was for the best to go ahead and do the surgery - the next day. It all happened so fast that I couldn't even think of any questions to ask.
Then came the walk of shame. This term is an understatement when used for being hungover in public.
A real walk of shame is when you and your man must walk through the waiting room full of healthy pregnant women and their partners.
I rushed out as quickly as I could before I broke apart completely.
We got into the car and exactly that happened. I fell apart in a way I never knew I could. This wasn't supposed to happen!!! We were almost in our 2nd trimester!!!
This wasn't what Mary would give us, this only happens to other people not us she would never want us to feel pain like this! This CANNOT be real!
I knew we had phone calls and texts to make, I called my mom who immediately knew something had gone horribly wrong the same with another close friend that had been very involved with our pregnancy.
On the way home Jon had said to me "this could be a blessing you know. Our baby had issues out of our control and God made the decision for us this time. If it was further along and we found out it had issues we would of had a lot of thinking to do which would also be painful". He was right which gave me a glimmer of solace for a few minutes.
That afternoon wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because I was distracted by my best friend coming over as soon as she could during this tragic time.
It hadn't seem to hit me yet until I changed for bed that night, I looked down at my bloated belly knowing that my baby was in there but hadn't made it.
I broke again as we went to bed knowing that in 12 hours I would be having the second worst day of my life.
I woke up at 6am dying of thirst because my body was still craving water like crazy but I wasn't allowed to drink anything after midnight.
I tossed and turned for a bit until 7:15 when the hospital called asking if I could go in early because my dr had delivered a c section earlier than expected (my first thought was good for those people that could hold their baby while I was mourning mine).
We arrived by 7:50 and I was getting prepped by 8:30. I was nervous but the nurse I had was an absolute angel, she gave me more hope than anyone at this point she herself had miscarried a few times and still had children.
The dr came to see me and I asked if we should get a second ultrasound because I now I had so many thoughts running through my head. She told me if I wanted to we could but she was 100% sure what she saw was accurate. I decided to not put us through that traumatic scene again and we went on to surgery soon after.
The anxiety meds through the iv helped with nerves and next thing I knew I was already in recovery being told it all went well. The pain was real though over the next 24 hours it was the strangest kind of pain physically and mentally.
I numbed myself with the pain meds all weekend that I hadn't felt the emptiness yet. The emptiness and hurt in my chest that raged through me like the plague by Sunday morning and hasn't let up yet.
I have felt pain before but I was never a big crier I honestly thought it wasn't normal to not cry over certain things. Now I can't control the tears, yes my hormones are still of a pregnant woman's but this pain is so real.
I have never wanted something back inside of me so badly. Something I didn't have a real attachment to yet, something that I didn't get to name yet, something that I couldn't share DNA with the love of my life with yet, something I could plan a future for, something that was a part of me that I didn't even know I bonded with yet. Until now.
Tomorrow will be one week since I heard one of the worst things of my life.
I know it's very soon after my experience that I am writing this. My feelings are very new still and I want others to know that these are very real, you read about experiences months or even years later, but these are fresh feelings the ones we can't put into words at any other time other than the present.
This is my story it doesn't give a solution. It gives people in my situation the power to talk about the silence of a miscarriage.
Talk about it! Yes you want to shut out the world and lie in bed forever but sharing your experience can help someone else who has nothing else to turn to other than these online stories that they too can relate.
It is a very real part of life that people are expected to get over right away when in reality do we ever get over a loss weather we have seen them in the flesh or not? It's a feeling that no one understands until you have been through it.
It will get easier and I know that, it has given me hope by reading miscarriage stories just like mine where people have soon after had healthy pregnancies and hope that we do have more chances to try again.
This is not your forever this is just a hill we must climb and take a deep breath once we get to the top.
Does that hill ever go away? No it doesn't but we can say we climbed the steepest part and we got to the top. Now it feels like I will never recover but this has brought Jon and I that much closer to real life hardships and we will get through many more together.
Life tossed this hill at us to help us know not everything is flat and in a straight line. It has turns that we must bend with, it has hills we must get up and it all happens within God's plan.
I can only pray that soon our rainbow baby will be in God's plan for us.
-Dedicated to "Our Blueberry" angel baby
December 2016- February 24th 2017
- [ ]
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer