#misCOURAGE story, 12/05/2017, by Cassandra
When I was 17 years old, fresh out of high school I fell pregnant and chose to have a termination as I felt too young and too unprepared to be a mother.
It was the hardest decision of my life, and I suffered depression from my decision for years following. I desperately wanted to be a mother and felt extreme guilt.
Even though I was young I knew all I wanted in life was to be a mother.
Then at the age of 22 I found hope when I peed on a stick and that second line came up.
I was terrified but absolutely joyed that I had finally fallen pregnant again and had my chance to be a mother.
At 9 weeks I went to have an early scan done. I was actually overseas at the time, and heading home so wanted my partner to hear the heartbeat before I left.
I was young, and I had hardly heard about miscarriage and it just wasn't even on my radar.... but it became my story. There was no heartbeat.
I had a missed miscarriage. At 13 weeks my body had still not miscarried on its own and I had to have a D&C.
Yet again I was thrown into a spiral of depression but this time with accompanying anxiety.
I went along with my life, always saying 3rd time lucky, and that everything happens for a reason.
Then shortly after my 28th Birthday, with a new long term boyfriend who I absolutely adore and wanted to spend my life with, my body made Hinrik. My rainbow. My 3rd. My beautiful son.
It was a text book perfect pregnancy. I hardly had any nausea, he was always the perfect size each week and I was considered low risk the whole way through.
I had this overwhelming sensation everything was going to be ok. This was it. I was calm, I was confident and ready and totally in love with my partner and the life we had created together.
2 days before my EDD I lost my mucus plug, and shortly after I had my 1st contraction.
Completely text book labour, I progressed in good time and was handling it all without any pain medication.
When I got into the hospital I was having 1 minute long contractions, with 1-2 minute break... this was it, I was just hours away from meeting my son... my rainbow.
About 2 hours later I was offered the choice to go into the water for a water birth. Just before the midwife let me in, she got me to lay down and placed the Doppler on my belly to check how my son was doing.
There was no heart beat.
Just like that. My son was gone.
11 hours later I pushed him out without assistance and his cold body was placed on my chest.
I was completely in shock but my heart was full and I was in love. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on.
There was no explanation. Tests were done. My body was healthy, my boy was healthy...
7 months on, I am now pregnant, again ... with yet another rainbow baby.
My mental state is at its worst.
But I am holding on... holding on to the man I love and the memory of my son, and my son's sibling who is growing strong inside me.
I am hopeful that this baby will be ok and will help me and my partner to love and parent and be a family.
I wish more woman had support in all areas of pregnancy, especially those going through a pregnancy after a loss of any kind.
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