When our little girl turned 2, we decided the time was right for us to have another baby. We were hoping that by the time she was 3, she'd be a big sister. 3 weeks after we made this decision, I had a positive pregnancy test and we were thrilled.
We were initially cautious but excitement soon overrode those feelings and at 7 weeks we told immediate family and close friends. My first pregnancy was so perfect and so straightforward that I could never have imagined to find myself 10 weeks pregnant, sitting in an EPU and bleeding, with my second.
The sonographer confirmed that there was a baby but no heartbeat.
In fact that heartbeat had stopped 2 weeks ago and a dead baby had been sitting in my womb with me none the wiser. I was absolutely distraught and to add insult to injury, my husband was away visiting his parents that week so I had to tell him over the phone. Once I'd told all the family and friends, received lots of hugs and cake and flowers, I was ready to deal with it myself. I did and put it down to bad luck. Speaking to other people, I realised just how common miscarriage was; it seemed as if everyone had either had one or knew someone who had. I was strangely comforted by this.
3 months later, we weren't actively trying but we weren't doing anything to prevent a pregnancy either. We had settled on the idea that if it happens it happens and had decided that we would begin actively trying in September. By the end of June, there was another line on a stick and we were overjoyed at the thought of a rainbow baby. This time no one knew, I had 2 scans, one at 6 weeks and one at 8 and both times our little baby was absolutely fine. Strong heartbeat and everything. 3 days after my 8 week scan, I began to bleed and knew it was not good. Another scan confirmed that the baby's heartbeat had again stopped at 8.5 weeks and I had had my second missed miscarriage in 6 months.
Devastated didn't even begin to cover it.
I went to the doctor the next day begging for answers. Why after one perfectly normal pregnancy and child can I not do it again? Did I get pregnant too quickly after my miscarriage? Did lifting my toddler out of the sea whilst on holiday kill my baby? Does the fact that my partner smokes cause me to have a miscarriage? I got no answers however. It seemed to be a case of once you're unfortunate, twice you're unlucky and 3 times you're worth investigating so basically tough luck and better luck next time.
The loss is so raw, the fact that I've spent the last 8 months being pregnant and not pregnant, conceiving and losing, hoping and crying makes me feel very unstable and not really sure what I'm doing most of the time.
I don't know if having a child makes it better or worse. On the one hand, she is the motivation that we need to keep going, on the other she is a walking, talking representation of what we've lost; twice over.
There are moments of each day that I forget for a while and then when I am reminded, it hurts, it really hurts. I have no idea whether this pain will go away, I don't know if I'll ever be mentally ready and prepared for another miscarriage, I don't know if I am satisfied with just one child (I've always wanted 4), I don't know where I go from here but one thing I do know is that I have never felt such pain and such disappointment in all my life.
We are contemplating going private to ensure things are ok medically but the thought of spending £3000 and the possibility of still being none the wiser afterwards is difficult in itself. That being said, can I go through this once more? Possibly, 2 babies, 3 babies- what's the difference? I can't imagine that it can hurt anymore than it already does.
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