by Katie Findlay
I was 6 weeks 2 days when I had my miscarriage. It started in the night. I went to the loo and noticed some bright red blood when I wiped. I called my fiance Jaime and asked if he thought it looked serious (this was my 4th pregnancy and I had previous bleeding with the other 3, so wasn't majorly concerned.) He said it's most likely implantation bleeding and I'd been over doing it so I agreed with him and went back to bed, though never admitting that something, a gut feeling, didn't feel quite right. I went to the loo again in the night and there was still some bright red blood, but nothing to fill a pad etc.
In the morning I got out of bed only for Jaime to say there was blood on the bed sheets. I went to the loo and the bleeding had got heavier so rang my parents to take me to A&E as we didn't drive ourselves. While getting ready to leave I felt a large lump pass and it's then I knew I'd lost my baby, but I was determined to be positive and not except it. When I got to A&E I was seen fairly quickly and had blood tests and finally an examination and that's when reality hit.
I had miscarried. I didn't want to believe it, but now it was in black and white in front of me and I felt lost.
The lump I had passed that I considered my baby was in the hospital sink and I had to leave it it- it was just "tissue" how dare they say that about my baby! I felt an immense guilt leaving my baby in the sink! I wanted to take them home, no idea what I would have done , but I knew I wanted them home with us and 2 big brothers and big sister. Afterwards everyone didn't really know what to say and words they thought were helping and kind just felt like a stab in the back. I was told everything from "at least you can have kids" and "you already have 3 children, don't be greedy" to "something was wrong it's for the best."
All of these just hurt and what hurts most is that maybe something was wrong, but people don't understand that that is why it hurts the most - something shouldn't have been wrong! it should be right! and I may already have 3 children, but that doesn't mean my 4th deserved to die and make the grief any less! My dream was to have 4 children before my 30th birthday and this baby would have completed that dream. When you have a miscarriage you don't just lose your baby you lose your dreams for the future with them.
Sometimes the kindest most heartfelt words from family and friends hurt the most..and that's OK. You're allowed to feel that way. Maybe instead of well meaning words and saying sorry just make her a cup of tea and give her the biggest hug you can imagine. Sometimes we don't need to the words or even want to hear them. Sometimes we just want to grieve and know you'll be there when we start coming back round.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer