Now that the bleeding and the cramping have stopped, and I've finished the painkillers, the grieving seems to have started.
Sometimes I'll think I'm ok then I'll randomly burst in to tears and sobs.
My experience of missed miscarriage was long and drawn out.
My Husband and I went to our twelve week scan. We were so excited. We knew to only tell a few close relatives "just in case". We had begun clearing out the spare room. But we hadn't actually bought anything other than a few pregnancy clothes "just in case".
I had experienced some light spotting in the days leading up to the scan and we knew that there was always a risk of bad news, but we never ever imagined that this could happen to us.
At the scan, the Midwife asked if we were sure if our dates, as all she could see was a placenta and a sac which bore the measurements of being just six weeks old.
The Midwife asked us to wait another week then attend the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital for an internal scan to see if there was any more growth and get a better look at what was there. A week passed.
The internal scan showed what the midwife estimated to be a six week old sac, but the measurements had not been recorded from the previous scan so we were asked to come back in ten days.
What felt like the longest ten days of my life passed, then we had another two scans: one by the midwife, then one by the doctor who confirmed that there was a six week old sac, a yolk, but no fetal pole, no heartbeat, and no blood supply to the sac.
The doctor confirmed that our baby had stopped developing, seemingly around six weeks, and we were devastated.
By now the bleeding had gotten heavier and I had been passing what looked like clots and clumps of tissue. So it wasn't a complete surprise but I had been clinging to a little bit of hope which was now gone.
They went through the options and I chose surgical management: what used to be called a D&C. They were able to book me in for surgery the next day. I was really scared as I had never been on a hospital ward other than to visit people.
The staff were great and my Husband stayed there the whole day (he waited on the ward whilst I was in the Operating Theatre).
The procedure took less than thirty minutes and I was discharged a few hours later. That was nine days ago. I've only just stopped bleeding and feeling the cramping pains and now the grief and sense of loss is setting in.
I haven't been sleeping, and I've been rotating through feeling ok, feeling sad and in despair, feeling angry, and feeling hopeless.
A friend announced their pregnancy on social media this morning and I collapsed in a heap of tears, thinking that should be me. It took me over a year and a half to get pregnant.
My husband and I had been referred to a fertility clinic, we had tests which were inconclusive and we found out that I was pregnant two weeks before the appointment where we would have been added to the IVF waiting list.
Now it feels like we're starting from scratch.
Everyone keeps saying "at least now you know that you can conceive" but I can't help but wonder if it was a fluke, a miracle, if it will happen again.
I've been researching how to deal with grief and apparently embracing it is the way to go. Hopefully I can continue working through the pain, crying when I feel like crying, until the need to cry gets less frequent.
I'm clinging to my Faith and trying to take things one step, one day at a time, and that's just about the only hope that I can bear to imagine right now.
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