So I discovered my unplanned pregnancy February 23rd 2014. I was 5 weeks pregnant and I had no idea prior to this date. I went about my life as normal going out all weekend partying, digging up trees from the garden and indulging.
The day I found out not another drop of alcohol or paracetamol passed my lips and I told my family and close friends. My and my babies' Dad were no longer together (never fully had been) but to me this was a baby, MY baby.
The day I found out I remember seeing a bumblebee and thinking it was an odd time of year and later that day I did the test and so my little lump was named.
So after a few weeks of people getting their heads around what was happening and me mentally preparing myself and getting excited for this little thing to become part of my world I had my midwife appointment and registered. I was now 10 weeks pregnant and so excited for my first scan.
I went to the loo and noticed some dark blood on the tissue. Called the midwife and she said it's probably nothing to worry about a lot of women get this call again if it gets worse. Everytime I went to the loo there was dark blood so I called back. I had a scan booked for 7.45pm April 3rd 2014.
I waited all day to go to the hospital to find out if my bumblebee was still alive. Sitting in that waiting room was me and 3 other women waiting for scans.
I prayed and prayed I wasn't that 1 in 4 but at the same time I prayed it was none of them either!!
Laying on the bed already crying and hearing the words I'm so sorry broke me. I recall the midwife leaving and getting someone else to confirm couldn't tell you who they were or who was around me. My world had come crashing down around me. My bumblebee wasn't buzzing anymore.
I don't remember what they said to me about the procedure or anything I just left with a date to return and some leaflets to read. The whole time blaming myself. I shouldn't have gone out so much. I should have left the trees in the garden. What if other people blame themselves for not being happy for me.
It was an endless blame game. 3 days later I returned to the same hospital, to the same waiting room and again had 3 other women around me. I knew I was the 1 in 4 and part of me was thankful for the other women not having to go through what I was feeling. And who is to say they hadn't been through that already!
The 3 days passed in a blur of nothingness. My life felt empty and my baby was still inside me just not growing any more. She (I always believe she was a girl) stopped growing at 7 weeks. I carried her for 4 weeks in the end cause she wouldn't let go.
I had pessaries to speed up the process of a miscarage. Day one she didn't let go. I went back to the hospital for a scan 3 days later to make sure she had gone but no she was still there. April 11th 2014 in my Dad's spare room she finally left me.
I felt numb for weeks. I blamed myself everyday. I convinced myself I could have stopped it. I could have changed what happened. I still have days where I wonder what would have happened and how she would have looked. But I know it wasn't meant to be. There was a reason she didn't make it to this world. Maybe my body wasn't ready or she wasn't strong enough.
I wrote a poem expressing day one of knowing she existed to the day she left me and beyond. She will always be a part of me and my life and any brothers and sisters will know about her.
February 17th 2015 me and my partner found out I had a rainbow baby on the way. I was so nervous the entire pregnancy. Due to previous miscarriage and pain I had an early scan at what I thought was 10 weeks.
The woman who did my scan was actually the woman who had confirmed my loss of bumblebee (she recognised me and saw my notes). This time she had good news. I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a strong heartbeat. The scariest part was my due date.
My little monkey was due the same day as bumblebee had been just a year later. 26th October.
My rainbow baby was born on September 23rd 2015. He was 5 weeks early but strong and healthy and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He had his sister watching over him and still does.
No one can ever understand what you go through be it a miscarage, a missed miscarage, still birth, eptopic pregnancy. But I do believe talking about it makes people realise they are not alone.
I am lucky. Yes I suffered pain and emotions I can't express but I have a rainbow baby some women aren't that lucky.
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