#misCOURAGE story, 17/05/2017, by Roisin
I have experienced two missed miscarriages in the last 9 months. It has changed my life. Not necessarily for better or worse, but changed me.
I have been broken, and am now slowly piecing myself back together. For me, the hardest part of it all is the isolation. No one to talk to that really understands.
I remember finding out about my second miscarriage. Waiting for my scan at the EPU, seeing other people come and go, happy or sad faces revealing their outcome.
I remember continuously talking to keep my mind busy, and feeling full of adrenaline. I heard the nurse calling us in, and I remember walking in and seeing the radiographer and thinking, this is it, time to find out.
Lying on the table as she began the scan. And then the ETERNAL waiting for words to be spoken. I swear time had stopped - my breathing certainly had.
I remember fixing my eyes on the clock on the wall. The eyes of the radiographer as she said (and I quote as it is etched on my brain) “I am so sorry but it is bad news. There is no heartbeat”.
She asked if we want to see and I said yes. There is was, our baby on the screen. All grown and the right shape. 8 weeks 3 days apparently. But no movement.
I think that moment may well be one of the most painful moments of my life. I remember an acute pain just under my heart - I think of it as where my soul might live. My heart and soul physically hurting.
I couldn't believe it had happened again.
I remember being so angry that I stamped my feet and cried to the nurse, asking her how this had happened again.
That was 4 months ago. What followed in that time was a gradual decline into depression. Slowly and surely I am coming out of it, learning and healing day by day.
Falling pregnant again fills me with huge amounts of varying emotion. But I read somewhere, hope is the only thing stronger than fear.
Right now all I know is I am a different person to who I was last year. This journey is a lonely one, and I hope in time that will change, and more people will talk about their experiences and support each other.
To anyone reading this and experiencing something similar, I wish you strength and love - we will heal.
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