#misCOURAGE story, 01/03/2017, by Hannah
I've been typing my story for days, I go to press submit & then delete it. I don't feel strong & powerful like all you other mums speaking out about angel babies. I still feel weak even after losing my first angel baby 10 years ago, 10 years today to be exact.
I was 14 weeks & 4 days. I had been feeling little flutters for days, them flutters got me so excited, so excited that I couldn't resist anymore - I went baby shopping!
Some tiny vests, a few tiny sleepsuits & that adorable tiny bear. It was enough, for now!
Then, the unthinkable, during a trip to the toilet I spotted blood.
Not a lot but enough for me to panic. During my worry about ambulance got called, I didn't want a ambulance, that was too serious, to real.
The Paramedics were great though & very understanding, making it known they'd only leave without me if I promised to go the hospital right away. That's where it all began to happen, the drips, the internal examinations, the questions.
Then I was sent home...As I was told "we don't scan at the weekends" - Silly me for having a miscarriage at the weekend hey!!
The night passed in a blur of blood & tears.
The next morning I needed to wash before my trip back to hospital, that's when I found it, my babies arm. Amongst all the clots & mess I seen a little but perfectly formed arm. I didn't know what to do.
I carried on in total shock. Never wanting to admit what I seen.
At the hospital I got took straight for my scan, there is seen my baby on the screen, as expected my baby was now just a 'foetus' which consisted of now just two masses, so it got explained to me.
Then the lady sheepishly asked had I seen anything in my loss, she was questioning the arm I had seen but how could I answer that truthfully to some poor woman I'd never met before.
I just answered no, pretended I had only seen blood. Nothing else. I think I heard her sigh a breath of relief.
I then had to wait for my surgery, through my tears a nurse appeared with a consent form, I needed to sign if I wanted my baby took for cremation or if I'd allow tests to be done so that it could hopefully provide answers for future miscarriages.
I signed for tests, spending everyday after regretting it, wishing I had asked about a option not on that form... The option of me having my baby took home so I could say goodbye in my own way.
I never said goodbye.
The pains after surgery hurt but didn't hurt enough to relieve me of the guilt I felt for having my own baby die inside me.
I left hospital with a leaflet, a leaflet on 'how to cope with loss'. That was that.
Returning home was strange, my once noisy house was silent, nobody talked... Literally nobody made a noise. I wept alone in silence through the night.
The next morning I realised something, the tiny vests & tiny sleepsuits had gone... Even the tiny bear was nowhere around.
Someone had got rid of them to 'make it easier' for me. When in reality they made it a whole lot harder.
I then realised even my leaflet had been took away, I guess everyone decided for me that I needed to get over it, just like that.
Nobody ever mentioned my baby again. It was as if it never happened.
The thing is I then did go on to have my rainbow baby, his was a perfect pregnancy with no issues.
He knows he's a rainbow baby & understands about his older angel baby sibling.
He's been my strength all along. He broke my silence. He gave me strength.
I hope in some way my story helps.
I've never admitted what happened during that awful time. I never got the help & support I really do think I needed.
But my rainbow baby is growing up now & he is my support.
Don't suffer in silence. Speak when you want to!
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