Silence hurts

Nobody ever mentioned my baby again. It was as if it never happened.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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#misCOURAGE story, 01/03/2017, by Hannah

I've been typing my story for days, I go to press submit & then delete it. I don't feel strong & powerful like all you other mums speaking out about angel babies. I still feel weak even after losing my first angel baby 10 years ago, 10 years today to be exact. 

I was 14 weeks & 4 days. I had been feeling little flutters for days, them flutters got me so excited, so excited that I couldn't resist anymore - I went baby shopping!

Some tiny vests, a few tiny sleepsuits & that adorable tiny bear. It was enough, for now!

Then, the unthinkable, during a trip to the toilet I spotted blood.

Not a lot but enough for me to panic. During my worry about ambulance got called, I didn't want a ambulance, that was too serious, to real.

The Paramedics were great though & very understanding, making it known they'd only leave without me if I promised to go the hospital right away. That's where it all began to happen, the drips, the internal examinations, the questions.

Then I was sent home...As I was told "we don't scan at the weekends" - Silly me for having a miscarriage at the weekend hey!!

The night passed in a blur of blood & tears.

The next morning I needed to wash before my trip back to hospital, that's when I found it, my babies arm. Amongst all the clots & mess I seen a little but perfectly formed arm. I didn't know what to do.

I carried on in total shock. Never wanting to admit what I seen.

At the hospital I got took straight for my scan, there is seen my baby on the screen, as expected my baby was now just a 'foetus' which consisted of now just two masses, so it got explained to me.

Then the lady sheepishly asked had I seen anything in my loss, she was questioning the arm I had seen but how could I answer that truthfully to some poor woman I'd never met before.

I just answered no, pretended I had only seen blood. Nothing else. I think I heard her sigh a breath of relief.

I then had to wait for my surgery, through my tears a nurse appeared with a consent form, I needed to sign if I wanted my baby took for cremation or if I'd allow tests to be done so that it could hopefully provide answers for future miscarriages.

I signed for tests, spending everyday after regretting it, wishing I had asked about a option not on that form... The option of me having my baby took home so I could say goodbye in my own way. 

I never said goodbye. 

The pains after surgery hurt but didn't hurt enough to relieve me of the guilt I felt for having my own baby die inside me.
I left hospital with a leaflet, a leaflet on 'how to cope with loss'. That was that.

Returning home was strange, my once noisy house was silent, nobody talked... Literally nobody made a noise. I wept alone in silence through the night.

The next morning I realised something, the tiny vests & tiny sleepsuits had gone... Even the tiny bear was nowhere around. 

Someone had got rid of them to 'make it easier' for me. When in reality they made it a whole lot harder.

I then realised even my leaflet had been took away, I guess everyone decided for me that I needed to get over it, just like that.

Nobody ever mentioned my baby again. It was as if it never happened. 

The thing is I then did go on to have my rainbow baby, his was a perfect pregnancy with no issues. 

He knows he's a rainbow baby & understands about his older angel baby sibling.

He's been my strength all along. He broke my silence. He gave me strength. 

I hope in some way my story helps.

I've never admitted what happened during that awful time. I never got the help & support I really do think I needed. 

But my rainbow baby is growing up now & he is my support. 

Don't suffer in silence. Speak when you want to!

Go to the full list of stories.

Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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