I first got pregnant in 1987 and gave birth to a beautiful girl in March 1988. I suffered really badly with what I now know was PND, but it was left undiagnosed and has had an affect on me for many years. In 1990 I was pregnant again, I was so happy. My then husband was in the Royal Navy, so I knitted a pair of booties to give to him when he came back from his tour of duty. The morning he was due home, I woke up with terrible pain and blood. The doctor came out and confirmed I had miscarried.
I was heartbroken, and my husband just "didn't get it". We moved a month later because of my husband's job, and I went to see my new GP. I told her I "still felt pregnant", and she told me I was grieving. Six weeks later, I had to call my doctor out because I was bleeding so heavily. She confirmed that I had been pregnant and got me to hospital where I found out I was 16 weeks pregnant.I was so angry - both at myself and life in general.
My marriage fell apart - but he left me with a parting gift - I was pregnant again!
I lost my baby three weeks later. Time moved on and I met someone else. People were telling me I should be grateful for the child I already had, and of course I was, but there was this ache in my heart - I wanted another baby. I went to see my GP and was referred to see someone about recurrent miscarriage. I had a hysteroscopy, and we both had genetic tests done. Nothing wrong!
Eventually I was pregnant again and immediately saw a consultant, who put me on progesterone, junior aspirin and folic acid. I got to twelve weeks, and hesitantly started to hope. I got to 20 weeks and really started to believe. I got to 38 weeks and my husband left me!
I gave birth to our beautiful boy in 1995 - just me, the midwife and a couple of puffs of entinox. It was wonderful. I didn't care that my husband had gone, I was relieved. I had my girl and boy and that's all I wanted.
I had four more miscarriages after I had my son, all of which I mourn
I light a candle for each of them on their birthdays, and I say goodnight to them every night. The saddest thing for me, has been watching my own darling daughter go through the same thing, as her mum, I wanted to take her pain away, but obviously I couldn't.
She is happy now, she has two beautiful "rainbow boys", with a lot of help from the medical profession. Like me - she will never forget. I am 50 now, and the pain will always be there.
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