Recurrent nightmare

All I had was a six week scan photo which at the time brought no comfort just strengthened my grief.

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October 2016

My partner and I have a beautiful son. He's four this year. End of June 2015 we decided to come off birth control and try for a baby.

In October we had a positive pregnancy test! I worked out I'd only be four weeks.

Two weeks later I started bleeding so went to the doctors. Booked in for a scan a week later and found a six week three day baby with a clear heartbeat. Relief flooded through me.

Scan photo printed we had our first picture of our second child. We couldn't wait for our son to have a sibling making plans together.

Three weeks later I had a heavier bleed. I knew this was it. I phoned my partner saying I was booked in for another emergency scan the next day. At the second scan there was silence. The sonographer moving the internal probe all over desperately trying to find a trace of a heart beat. 'I'm so sorry but I can't see a heart beat this time.' 

I was on my own because my partner was looking after our son. I was taken to a private room to have a cry and wait for him. On 15th December I had a D&C to remove all pregnancy tissue. My heart was empty. All I had was a six week scan photo which at the time brought no comfort just strengthened my grief.

I bought a note book of remembrance, we named our baby a unisex name and I stuck the scan photo, details of the pregnancy and my hospital tag in the book and also wrote my deepest darkest grief stricken Feelings's in it. 

Since then I've had two more miscarriages at implantation or just after. The pain and heart break of each one has put myself and my partner off trying for a while. I've been for scans tests and all sorts with no answer as to why this is happening. 

I have a tattoo in memory of our 9week blip on the screen. I have hope and faith it will happen eventually when it's meant to, until then all my energy is being put into being a mum to my son and bettering myself physically and mentally.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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