by Jenny Torley
I am a mother and have been blessed to carry and give birth to 4 beautiful healthy children.I know I am so very lucky and feel selfish and greedy for wanting so desperately to have one more child when I have the family I have, but my children are my life and for us, another baby just isn't meant to be.
After having my children with no complications or issues we started our journey for baby number 5 and it was a massive shock to learn very early on this was something that would change me and my life forever and not in the kindest way. We started trying when our youngest was a year old and fell pregnant quite quickly, but I miscarried at 6 weeks. We were told it was just one of those things so we started trying again. Again I fell pregnant quickly and this time everything seemed ok.
I held my breath until I got to 12 weeks and had my scan. It was just wonderful to see my little bean on the screen moving around, and I started to relax and believe that things would be ok.
I started spotting 2 weeks later and went for another scan. I stared at the screen willing my child to move, but I knew in my heart she was gone. She had passed away a few days after my 12 week scan.
It broke my heart that while I had started telling people I was pregnant she had already passed away
That was when I first heard the term missed miscarriage. The emotional pain was horrific. I went home and waited 3 days for my child to leave me, I'll never ever forget that moment. It will stay with me forever. We waited for a while until we felt stronger before trying again. I thought another pregnancy would help heal my heart a little, how wrong was I? I fell pregnant again straight away and since then I have miscarried a further five times.
Each one as heartbreaking as the last, all at different stages but no answers as to why. In November of last year I gave up, I got to 9 weeks and started spotting, I was sent for a scan and saw my baby on the screen with a perfect heartbeat, I was reassured everything was fine and I was sent home only to lose my baby later that evening. I hit rock bottom. It's hard to talk about miscarriage, people don't know what to say, and it makes a lot of people very uncomfortable but it is so common, I know that now.
It is the loss of a child, all your dreams and hopes for the future gone. A pain like no other. I picked myself up for the sake of my family. Christmas 2015 I found out I was expecting again. We were in complete shock as this wasn't planned, but we thought maybe because it wasn't planned then maybe it was meant to be.
I got to 11 weeks but pregnancy was no longer fun and exciting for me
Every day was torture, going to the bathroom was a nightmare, would I see blood? I reached 11 weeks in February of this year and started to hope, only to start spotting again. Turns out my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. I ended up in hospital very ill with an infection. I didn't know that sometimes miscarriage can seriously put your health at risk.
This is the end of my pregnancy journey for me, I count my blessings every single day. I love being a mother, it's being a mother to my amazing children that made me want another but it's just not meant to be. The physical and emotional pain is just awful, and my heart and prayers go out to all you ladies that go through it.
I still feel the pain and think of my lost babies all the time, I am a mother to 8 angels xxx
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