Our story starts once we started trying for a second child. We have a beautiful 3 year old. My first pregnancy was difficult with really bad morning sickness, back problems and ante natal depression. It took us a while to feel ready to try again and when we did we were not aware of what was awaiting us.
We have been lucky enough to get pregnant quite quickly each time. The first few losses were very early, but we felt each one. Each one had hopes and dreams and a future. We discussed names, and at that stage didn't know better than to think it will all work out. With each one I had pregnancy sickness from early on. Those first losses were also filled with the fear of being pregnant again and if we could cope with another pregnancy of sickness and ill health.
The pregnancies came fast but they left fast. Last autumn we were to have the most painful one. We got through 6 weeks and then I had a small bleed that turned into daily bleeding. I was sure I had miscarried and started grieving. We squashed our hopes and told ourselves it was over. We went for a scan at nearly seven weeks and the fetus was there with a heart beat, but it was small. We were so excited and let some hope in. I continued to bleed but I still felt very sick and had all my pregnancy symptoms.
We went back two weeks later for a follow up scan. I was still bleeding. There was a long silence and lots of looking and checking and then the "I am really sorry there is no heart beat". My son was with us and the moment those words were said he knew something was wrong, and came straight over to hug me. It was so touching.
We were devastated, especially as we had dared to hope after the first scan
I miscarried naturally and was able to leave it in a beautiful place. I continued to bleed for another four weeks. I returned to the hospital and where they found out the miscarriage was incomplete, so I then had a ERPC. I had to fight hard to get the evacuation as the remaining tissue was small, but I just needed closure.
The next few months were emotional hell for myself, my husband and my son. It was so difficult to heal, but we tried. Some of the wounds of miscarriage remained.
The last miscarriage we had was on a long haul plane trip! Again at about 8 weeks. We had a scan at 7.5 weeks and the sac was empty, as soon as I saw it, I knew it was not right. This one was easier than the last as it was medically easier and we had not dared to hope. No name discussions, no thoughts of due dates etc. It made the loss easier as it was less far to fall. But it felt much more emotionally cold.
We had all the testing done and very little was found apart from our age. I found the whole medical testing upsetting and the appointments a constant reminder of loss rather than gain.
We are going to try again and it takes so much courage to lean into the pain and the possible further loss. However, we are willing to dare to hope. I have started embracing the sight of other pregnant women rather than seeing them as a reflection of our losses. We have started living life again and trying to re-focus and enjoy each other. I have started to train for a triathlon to raise money for people in a similar situation to us. We hope we will still hold a newborn again.
Miscarriage is such a silent suffering. Each loss is a grief and a loss of a future. We are still hopeful but realistic. I am trying to be kind to all the sadness and fear and acknowledge that it's normal to be there. Then to try to connect to that glimmer of positivity, and potential gift in each pregnancy.
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