Story of #miscourage by Debra Rutherford
It is exactly a year since I began to lose my baby. I am lucky enough to be sat here, writing this gazing at my beautiful 5 week old son, my rainbow baby and I have to think the baby I lost just wasn't meant to be. Still this time last year my heart was breaking.
I say I "began" to lose my baby because it was a long process. I bled, as many people do in pregnancy, I had a scan, they couldn't see anything but it was early, this meant nothing. I had a week of not knowing, clinging to the hope that it wasn't going away.
Deep down I knew, it just didn't feel right. Somehow I had expected it. But still when the consultant uttered the words "ectopic pregnancy" and started to describe the drugs I would need to have to clear it I was shocked, I felt numb, it was real.
Luckily I never had to have the medication my body knew what it had to do. I was only about 7 weeks pregnant, it wasn't a baby, medically speaking. How could I be upset about something that never was? But yet my heart ached, I mean my heart actually hurt.
The baby had never developed but the idea, now that was fully fledged. Our family as a foursome we'd planned, talked about holidays, how our daughter would love her baby brother or sister, that plan, that vision of our family was real, to us. T
hen it was gone. I felt guilty, had I done something wrong?
We went camping before I found out I was pregnant, I lifted lots of heavy stuff. Oh god I hadn't looked after myself was it my fault? Of course it wasn't. I then felt guilt for feeling so sad about an embryo that had never even made it's way down to the womb.
I felt vulnerable, like people would know and see through my brace facade. I had failed, I felt broken. Yet I got up, I went to work and I carried on. To the outside world I was fine, you wouldn't even know. I've never really told anyone how much I hurt. My husband saw but I don't know if he truly knew. We don't speak of it do we? But it is OK not to be OK.
As I said I caught with my gorgeous son very soon after my loss, he is perfect. I feel so incredibly lucky to have gone on to have him, I even gave birth to him in a car park...but that's another story..... my rainbow baby ...and his name....Tommy!
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