One-year ago today

How could I be upset about something that never was? But yet my heart ached, I mean my heart actually hurt.

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Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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Story of #miscourage by Debra Rutherford 

It is exactly a year since I began to lose my baby. I am lucky enough to be sat here, writing this gazing at my beautiful 5 week old son, my rainbow baby and I have to think the baby I lost just wasn't meant to be. Still this time last year my heart was breaking. 

I say I "began" to lose my baby because it was a long process. I bled, as many people do in pregnancy, I had a scan, they couldn't see anything but it was early, this meant nothing. I had a week of not knowing, clinging to the hope that it wasn't going away.

Deep down I knew, it just didn't feel right. Somehow I had expected it. But still when the consultant uttered the words "ectopic pregnancy" and started to describe the drugs I would need to have to clear it I was shocked, I felt numb, it was real.

Luckily I never had to have the medication my body knew what it had to do. I was only about 7 weeks pregnant, it wasn't a baby, medically speaking. How could I be upset about something that never was? But yet my heart ached, I mean my heart actually hurt.

The baby had never developed but the idea, now that was fully fledged. Our family as a foursome we'd planned, talked about holidays, how our daughter would love her baby brother or sister, that plan, that vision of our family was real, to us. T

hen it was gone. I felt guilty, had I done something wrong?

We went camping before I found out I was pregnant, I lifted lots of heavy stuff. Oh god I hadn't looked after myself was it my fault? Of course it wasn't. I then felt guilt for feeling so sad about an embryo that had never even made it's way down to the womb.

I felt vulnerable, like people would know and see through my brace facade. I had failed, I felt broken. Yet I got up, I went to work and I carried on. To the outside world I was fine, you wouldn't even know. I've never really told anyone how much I hurt. My husband saw but I don't know if he truly knew. We don't speak of it do we? But it is OK not to be OK. 

As I said I caught with my gorgeous son very soon after my loss, he is perfect. I feel so incredibly lucky to have gone on to have him, I even gave birth to him in a car park...but that's another story..... my rainbow baby ...and his name....Tommy! 

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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