Story of #miscourage by Natalie
After over two years of trying for a baby we finally fell pregnant out of the blue just a couple of weeks after we'd struck up the courage to go to the GP to discuss fertility testing.
Everything was exciting over the first couple of weeks until I started to experience some spotting. Reassured by some research and a visit to hospital that everything was safe and this can be a normal pregnancy side effect, we went home and further reassured by an early vaginal ultrasound a few days later where we gazed upon this tiny flickering heartbeat in our 8 week little person, we buoyed ourselves for the challenge ahead.
But just two days later, the spotting became heavy bleeding with severe stomach cramps and I just knew, that little heartbeat wasn't flickering anymore. After calling 111 it very much sounded like our worst fears were confirmed and I was informed what to look out for to verify I'd 'passed the fetus' or I'd need to go to hospital for intervention.
It seemed so clinical and matter of fact, although the call handler was very warm and comforting. And so a few hours later, in a very unexpected and surreal rush of cramping and loss, our little hopes and dreams bundle was gone. I did what the call handler had advised to confirm 'the pregnancy in it's entirety' was 'expelled' and (excuse the graphic description) flushed our baby away.
The physical pain soon eased but the emotional pain just exploded. I cried, hubby cried, my parents cried, I ached, I was tormented with questions and guilt, what did I do wrong? Why us? Will we ever be parents? Am I able to retain a pregnancy successfully? And all the while I could picture that tiny little flicker on the screen from two days before. We vowed to ease off the 'trying' and within a few months were blessed to be pregnant with my now 4.5yr old son and since that now an 11wk old daughter. I tiptoed the first trimester of both of those pregnancies because I never dared hope we'd be as lucky as we are.
But every 31st March, the day we miscarried and every November when the baby would have been due, I think of our little flicker and how they'd be now. I still have that scan photo, it's been tucked away but nonetheless cherished because however briefly, our baby lived and was loved.
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