Just one more, I teased my husband, we already had a beautiful daughter and son, one more to complete us, and then those two thin blue lines came, I was ecstatic, now we would be complete. I told my mom straight away, I couldn't hide my glee. We made plans, due to my job, I had to inform my employer, everyone was happy for us. Then the sickness started, and it got worse and worse, I could barely lift my head from the pillow. I was admitted to hospital, and put on a drip, a scan showed not one but two little flutters , which just meant double the happiness, double the sickness?? Back home I felt more and more poorly, struggling to complete everyday tasks and looking back now, I guess I knew something was wrong, just not right, my body was behaving strangely. A trip to the loo, scared me, would something happen? And then it did, just spotting, no pain but spotting all the same. A trip to A&E on a Saturday night, it was like a war zone. Ushered away into a private room, hours to see a Dr, to be told I would have to come back after the weekend.
Numb, I just felt numb, I refused to allow the dread that filled me take over.
Monday came, a scan showed that baby one had no heartbeat, baby two was very slow. Come back in two weeks they said. I didn't need them to tell me two weeks later, my babies were gone, I would never kiss their chubby cheeks or smell that new born smell. A missed miscarriage they called it, a silent loss. Here's some paperwork, sign here. Come back tomorrow, and a general anaesthetic will make it all better. Then the tears came, and they didn't stop. The pitiful looks, the awkward silences, I wanted to hide away. Time moves on, two thin blue lines and the grip of terror, will it happen again, can history repeat itself. My poor midwife, I was a wreck, not until they placed my beautiful rainbow boy in my arms did I feel able to relax. Three years on, the pain is still there, I've just learned to deal with it differently, not a day goes by when I don't feel lucky to have my beautiful children. Outwardly I am a mom of 3, in my heart I will always be a mom of 5.
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