I knew I wanted children from a young age and believed I'd be able to be a mother as soon as I was ready. I spent most of my life trying to avoid getting pregnant; I took my pill religiously, blissfully unaware of the traumatic experiences to come.
I wanted everything to be perfect before I embarked on my journey as mother; I waited until I had a good job, a house and a wonderful husband before I started trying for a baby. In 2015 I married the man of my dreams and life seemed like it couldn’t get any better. How wrong I was.
I finished my last pill exactly on our wedding day and soon afterwards we began trying for a baby.
Two months later I found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic and both thought that our journey towards parenthood had begun.We told our parents and a few close friends. I was a healthy 29 year old, who exercised regularly and ate healthily, I didn’t smoke and had never taken drugs. I had never considered miscarriage to be a possibility. None of our friends had miscarried so we never imagined it would happen to us. How wrong we were.
As the pregnancy went on, I started to think things weren’t right, I had this underlying feeling things weren’t how they were meant to be.
People dismissed me and said “Everything will be fine”and “I had lots of niggling pains when I was pregnant, its normal.” So when one evening I found some blood, I was absolutely distraught! I went into melt down, googling and looking at every pregnancy forum possible, but nothing would ease my worry.
When the bleeding continued to get worse I phoned the local EPU and they arranged for a scan the next morning.I will never forget that day, I was so scared and the wait for my scan seemed like days.
I hadn’t slept the night before as I had been worrying so much. We finally had our scan and saw our beautiful angel with a heartbeat! Words cannot describe that moment and how relieved we were, everything was going to be OK…surely!
But it wasn’t. My bleeding continued, accompanied by lots of pain, and then the following Friday, at 8 weeks and 2 days, we lost our beautiful baby. I will never forget the horror I felt when my angel fell out of me.
My world ended at that moment and has never been the same since. A part of me is still broken.
I was in pain with blood dripping from me so my parents rushed my husband and I back to the hospital and we went to A&E.
I can’t remember much about that night as I think I went into shock but I remember being taken to a room with a bed which I lay on for what seemed like an eternity. I had bouts of uncontrollable tears followed by nothing, just staring at the wall. I asked my husband if it was over, he replied yes with tears in his eyes.
Finally a nurse came into the room and confirmed the fact I had miscarried and that there was nothing they could do. I remember them saying “please try not to worry your chances of having a successful pregnancy next time is very high” As if this would appease the hurt and anger I was feeling, like it would help me forget the baby I had just lost.
The following months felt like a waking nightmare, I had to get on with life whilst grieving for my angel and every day was an uphill struggle. Anything I did was coupled by constant thoughts of my baby and getting pregnant again.
Although I had a good network or friends and family I've never felt so alone, no-one truly understood what I was going through. Advice from people who: a) hadn’t even tried for a baby yet; or b) hadn’t ever had a miscarriage, made me want to scream.
My GP was extremely kind, I couldn’t fault her empathy, but she couldn’t do anything to help me. It was just a matter of “trying to get on and no doubt the next pregnancy will be fine.” Counselling helped me whilst I was there, but as soon as I left the sessions I was back to having to try and face life, face each day.
Friends telling me to “be more positive” or “it could be worse” made me angry; for me this was the worst. This advice wasn’t going to bring back our baby!
I had so many questions; why me? Will I get pregnant again? Will I ever be a parent? There were also the feelings of worry, anxiety, emptiness, anger, envy, and bitter sadness.
I couldn’t be around babies or pregnant women; and although I was told by my GP and counsellor that this is very common and it’s not just me that experience this problem; it didn’t help.
I was so envious of every woman who was pregnant, and felt like a failure because I wasn’t. I had friends announcing the birth of their babies on Facebook, I had people asking if now that I am newly married, I would be starting a family soon. I wanted to punch them, if only they knew what journey I was on and how much I wanted a family.
I was surrounded and couldn’t get away from it. A lot of people told me I was being selfish and that I just needed to put my thoughts aside. But I couldn’t cope, my relationship with everyone was under strain. I argued with my parents, fell out with my brother and his wife, more devastatingly my relationship with Lee was being tested to the limit.
We were dealing with things so differently that we had no strength to help one and other. The only thing that kept me going was my desire to be a mum, I felt the only thing that could help me with my sadness was to get pregnant again. This process however was also horrific. It was stressful, caused arguments, and was more like a business transaction than anything out of love. It took over my life; I spent money on books, vitamins, devices… anything that might help me conceive again.
I have no idea how I got through it and held down a job, let alone a relationship. It was the worse time of my life; I wouldn’t wish miscarriage on my worst enemy.
I finally got pregnant again and on the 27th March took a pregnancy test. My emotions where mixed; ecstatic as I finally thought this nightmare was over, but scared it could happened again.
And it is happening again! As I write this I am in the process of having my second miscarriage.
The light at the end of the tunnel hasn’t come for me, this nightmare is not over. Last week I went for an early scan where no heartbeat was found. I am in lots of pain but have to wait until Friday for a final scan as I have had no bleeding this time.
I know what the outcome will be and that come Friday, the scan will confirm that this baby has already died.I know the nightmare I am about to embark on as I have been there before. I am scared of the future and worry my chances of ever becoming a mum and holding a baby full term are moving further away.
I don’t want to be another statistic; “another 1 in 4” I want to be part of finding out why this happens. I want to help other couples going through the same.
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By Anonymous (not verified) on 6 May 2016 - 18:59
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through :'(
I officially miscarried on Christmas Eve but it was actually weeks of scans showing slow growth and no heartbeat before it was finally confirmed I was not going to be having a baby after all. The absolute worst time of my life. Devastating. Heartbreaking. Sending you lots of love because that's all I can do xxxxx