Following the initial shock and surprise upon finding out we were expecting baby number three, it quickly turned into happiness and excitement. Never did it enter my head it would end in devastation...why would it?? We had already been through two healthy, straight forward pregnancies and had our perfect four year old boy; Henry and two year old daughter; Ivy to show for them!
Following my booking in appointment, I was disappointed my scan appointment couldn't be booked until I was approaching 16 weeks pregnant but after numerous phone calls we couldn't get this any sooner. We shared our happy news with family and close friends knowing we couldn't keep it to ourselves until the scan.
I started spotting when I reached 13 weeks, it was a Thursday and I was at work. I felt panicked and didn't know what to do. I phoned the EPU who advised I was too early for them to see me, unable to contact my midwife, I then phoned my GP who reluctantly booked me an appt that day.
I was advised there was no need to worry, it was quite normal but they would book me an emergency scan.
Upon phoning through to the hospital this was booked for the following Monday. I was mortified...how could an emergency scan be booked for four days later? The gp advised if anything happened in the meantime I could go to a&e.
The bleeding became heavier and the pains started. On the Friday we went to a&e deep down somehow knowing what was happening. The hardest part was the nurse advising me that the pregnancy test was still positive but would need to await the scan on Monday....
Overcome with various emotions I was understandably upset when the nurse turned to me and asked "why are you crying?" I had to walk away...how could anyone in that profession have so little compassion??
The weekend was a blur and Monday came around. The wait in the waiting room for the scan was the longest wait of my life.
Our fears were confirmed following a scan and internal; there was no heartbeat! We were spoken to re our options and went home.
I felt so naive...previously I didn't know about miscarriage, why would I have needed to?! However I naively presumed people were advised they had suffered a miscarriage and that was the end of that...how wrong!
I made the decision to return to the hospital later that week for a d&c; I wasn't strong enough to wait for nature to take it's course and couldn't risk this happening whilst I was alone or worse still with my precious babies at home! I felt I needed to know it was over so I could grieve and try to move forward.
This was 4 and a half months ago and there hasn't been a day passed when I don't think of our little angel, I don't think there ever will be. I dread the lead up to what would have been our due date in October!
Whilst I never carried my baby in my arms, I will always carry them in my heart xx
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