I have lost 3 babies. With each loss it felt another piece of my heart was breaking. As soon as I saw the positive pregnancy tests, I was making plans for our future. I was so excited and couldn't wait to hold my babies in my arms. All mine were missed miscarriages - my body carried on fooling me and telling me all was fine. I was still throwing up daily.
The scans showed my babies stopped growing just after 7 weeks - it was so shocking with the first as I was at my 12 week scan all excited to see my baby. I miscarried naturally at home a week later. I had to explain to my 3 year old why babies die and how some seeds don't grow. My parents were also devastated and I felt I had let everyone down. My second miscarriage was on the due date of my first! It felt so cruel - the only thing helping was thinking of my two angel babies having each other.
I stopped trying for a while as I was becoming very low and tearful and did not want it to affect my 2 lovely children aged 2 and 3 at the time. They were constantly asking for a sibling and so last Christmas we tried again. I fell pregnant in January of this year - I booked a private early scan at 6 weeks and saw a beautiful baby with a heartbeat. The sonographer said come back next week for another check as the heartbeat is not very strong. Panic set in. Luckily this time only me and my husband knew I was pregnant.
We went back the next week and the heartbeat had vanished.
I felt so empty and incredibly sad. I had failed to keep my baby safe a third time. I cried and cried so much feeling time was running out. My GP was fantastic and has referred me to a recurrent miscarriage clinic. My daughter aged 7 told me she wishes for a baby brother or sister whenever she blows out her candles. My son asked why my babies die when other mums babies live. I don't know why but I am hopeful I will find out soon.
My 3 lost babies are always in my thoughts.
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