When I fell pregnant for the first time I was overjoyed. We were newly married and even though I faced redundancy I was looking forward to the new chapter. My GP suggested an early scan and it was then that my world got torn apart.
The midwife got the consultant in who told us I'd had a missed miscarriage, something we'd never heard of. We were sent home with a leaflet and told to come back in a week for another scan.
The leaflet was useless, so we decided to look online where we found stories of hope. After a week of feeling petrified we returned and our nightmare was confirmed.
I felt betrayed by my body; I felt pregnant but was going through the motions of losing the baby.
We were offered the D&C that afternoon and took it, I couldn't sit and wait. The next few weeks were the hardest, I felt physical and emotional pain like I'd never felt before.
People didn't know what to say so they isolated and ignored us. A friend told me I needed to snap out of it as it was unhealthy. For me the hardest thing was of all the others around me getting pregnant. I felt such a failure and an outcast.
My husband was amazing and the experience bought us closer. It was with his kind words that I got through it. He defended me when people were rude, protected me from their ignorance and guided me through it. I felt so abandoned I wanted people to reach out and just ask if we were ok.
I hated it when people quoted us the facts of 1 in 4, or recounted stories of friends who'd have 7 miscarriages before having a baby, I didn't need to hear it. One friend suggested an online forum where I found comfort, I could vent my anger and pain without being judged.
They understood how seeing a pregnant lady was painful and that seeing a newborn in a shop made me breakdown in tears. Strangers' kind words helped me heal and feel normal again.
Some months later, after I'd physically healed I fell pregnant again. Those 9 months were the scariest of my life but after a roller coaster ride our son was born, happy and healthy.
My missed miscarriage changed me, I'll never understand why it happened and I'll never forget what I lost. I'm so pleased that there is more support available now for couples to help them through it all. Others still feel awkward when I mention my experience, but I've learnt not to feel embarrassed or silenced.
I recently got a tattoo to represent my lost one and it's given me a great deal of peace.
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