I was in a happy relationship and I was on the pill, then after feeling a bit unwell I discovered I was pregnant. I went and had a scan to see how far gone I was. 6 weeks I was 6 weeks pregnant! It seemed unreal, then the reality of it set in, and my partner was unsure if he was ready for a family.
I made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and hoped he would get his head around it, after all it was my body and although I didn't plan a pregnancy, I was still excited and full of joy to be a mum.
A week later, I had another scan with my partner there and we saw our baby. My 7-week old baby had a heart beat - I saw the heart beat, so all was well. Over the next few weeks I went and saw the midwife, got my bounty pack, it was all becoming real. I was going to be a mum!
Week by week I was getting more excited for my next scan, I wanted to see my baby. Finally I received my scan appointment in the post. Two weeks before my appointment, me and my partner had a nice family day out. I was starting to get a bump, I was glowing everything was perfect. The next day I was at work, and just felt a bit down and unwell. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. After work, I returned home where my world got turned upside down.
I popped upstairs to the loo and I bled, not a lot, but I tried to keep calm and went to the hospital. After sitting in A&E for what seemed like forever a nurse came and checked me over. She said I was going to lose my baby and told me to go home.
I went to bed that night, broken and lost, knowing I would wake up and there would be no baby.
I managed a few hours sleep, and when I woke I felt fine there was no more bleeding. Over the next couple of days I still hadn't bled, my brokenness than turned to hope. Hope that I hadn't lost my baby and that everything was still ok. I booked a private scan as the hospital wouldn't see me. I explained everything to them and they seemed hopeful too.
The lady looked at me and said the words that haunt me in my sleep: that yes there was a baby inside me, but not the 13-week old baby I hoped to see, only a tiny 8 week old baby (so small) with no heartbeat.
They called it a missed miscarriage. I had to go to hospital to receive treatment to bring on a miscarriage, 24 hours they said it would take and to prepare myself. 5 nights. For 5 nights, I would have to go to bed knowing the baby inside me was dead. When the miscarriage finally happened I felt lost, lost and numb inside.
Life for me has never been the same since, friends and family just didn't understand.
They would say things like "at least it wasn't a proper baby", and "sometimes these things just happen". I was pregnant and carrying a life inside me, it was my baby. I was made to feel like I was being over dramatic and that I wasn't to talk about it as people would feel uncomfortable about it. I was to just suffer in silence.
Even now a year on, it's still the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing that goes through my mind at night. I long to have a child, but part of me feels like I could never try again as I couldn't go through the hurt and pain again. I didn't just lose my baby, I lost my partner, my friends.
This is why things need to change. Having a miscarriage is a horrific ordeal to go through, but that doesn't mean anyone should go through it alone and feel like it's something that should be talked about.
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