My missed miscarriage

I long to have a child, but part of me feels like I could never try again as I couldn't go through the hurt and pain.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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May 2016

by Sarah

I was in a happy relationship and I was on the pill, then after feeling a bit unwell I discovered I was pregnant. I went and had a scan to see how far gone I was. 6 weeks I was 6 weeks pregnant! It seemed unreal, then the reality of it set in, and my partner was unsure if he was ready for a family.

I made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and hoped he would get his head around it, after all it was my body and although I didn't plan a pregnancy, I was still excited and full of joy to be a mum.

A week later, I had another scan with my partner there and we saw our baby. My 7-week old baby had a heart beat - I saw the heart beat, so all was well. Over the next few weeks I went and saw the midwife, got my bounty pack, it was all becoming real. I was going to be a mum!

Week by week I was getting more excited for my next scan, I wanted to see my baby. Finally I received my scan appointment in the post. Two weeks before my appointment, me and my partner had a nice family day out. I was starting to get a bump, I was glowing everything was perfect. The next day I was at work, and just felt a bit down and unwell. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. After work, I returned home where my world got turned upside down.

I popped upstairs to the loo and I bled, not a lot, but I tried to keep calm and went to the hospital. After sitting in A&E for what seemed like forever a nurse came and checked me over. She said I was going to lose my baby and told me to go home.

I went to bed that night, broken and lost, knowing I would wake up and there would be no baby.

I managed a few hours sleep, and when I woke I felt fine there was no more bleeding. Over the next couple of days I still hadn't bled, my brokenness than turned to hope. Hope that I hadn't lost my baby and that everything was still ok. I booked a private scan as the hospital wouldn't see me. I explained everything to them and they seemed hopeful too.

The lady looked at me and said the words that haunt me in my sleep: that yes there was a baby inside me, but not the 13-week old baby I hoped to see, only a tiny 8 week old baby (so small) with no heartbeat.

They called it a missed miscarriage. I had to go to hospital to receive treatment to bring on a miscarriage, 24 hours they said it would take and to prepare myself. 5 nights. For 5 nights, I would have to go to bed knowing the baby inside me was dead. When the miscarriage finally happened I felt lost, lost and numb inside.

Life for me has never been the same since, friends and family just didn't understand.

They would say things like "at least it wasn't a proper baby", and "sometimes these things just happen". I was pregnant and carrying a life inside me, it was my baby. I was made to feel like I was being over dramatic and that I wasn't to talk about it as people would feel uncomfortable about it. I was to just suffer in silence.

Even now a year on, it's still the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing that goes through my mind at night. I long to have a child, but part of me feels like I could never try again as I couldn't go through the hurt and pain again. I didn't just lose my baby, I lost my partner, my friends.

This is why things need to change. Having a miscarriage is a horrific ordeal to go through, but that doesn't mean anyone should go through it alone and feel like it's something that should be talked about.

Go to the full list of stories.

Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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