My love for you will never cease, for you are and always will be my missing piece

I remember crying on the phone to my sister with hiccuping down the line... scared out of my wits...

You're my missing piece

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#misCOURAGE story, 02/03/2017, by Hollie

Breath in 1-2-3-4-5 breath out...

This is what I should be doing, well within the next 14 days. 

Today was my due date for our angel, my angel who's was removed with my right fallopion tube on June the 7th 2016. 

I'll start my story from the beginning. Sorry it is a long one.

April 2016 3 periods in one month? Really!.. well that's a sign something wasn't right. Booked into the doctors in may but as they are there was a two week waiting list... 

The second week in may I started getting pregnancy symptoms.. my boobs was sore they even leaked a little (breast feed my 2nd child till 14 months, he was two in April) so they leaked now and then anyway but this time it felt different..

Third week in May I started bleeding just bits here and there but I had to constant where a pad.

So I took the test! Big fat positive stood out!! Took two more tests! Big bold lines confirmed the pregnancy.

Well that was a mixture of emotions excitement/ fear.. I shouldn't be bleeding? But with having two healthy pregnancy before I wasn't afraid of anything happening. Every pregnancy is different right?

24th of May was my sisters wedding. I woke with a pain in my right side. Just putting it down to needing the toilet I got on with getting ready and my children ready.

With being the maid of honour the morning was a blur making sure everyone was ready in there right dresses etc: me and my partner couldn't hold it in about the pregnancy so we decided to tell my sister so she knew why I wouldn't be drinking, she was ecstatic and asked if she could tell everyone the good news... so the whole family found out.

Anyway... leaving the after do early because the pain became worse and my boys where tired we left around 5.30 straight home baths and paracetamol... sitting on the toilet hoping the pains will stop.... they eased..... 

Next couple of days zoomed passed with only the mild pain in my side... I never thought anything of it.. 

The bleeding got worse.. and at my doctors appointment I had swabs and wee samples sent off.. told nothing to worry about probably just a Urine infection... 

Start of June I started clotting, only small ones I phone my midwife so she booked me onto the early pregnancy unit of the Saturday.

2nd of June it got worse. The pain was worse the bleeding got worse I knew, I knew something wasn't right I got a bath and as I was getting out I half pushed half popped this 'blood clot' just bigger the a £2 coin...

I knew I lost my baby even though the was only a blood clot I knew, I didn't want to believe it but I knew something wasn't right... I didn't feel pregnant anymore.

On the 4th of June I went to my appointment on which I had the scan and they told me there was no sac or baby visible, I'd need a blood test and to come back on the Monday for another blood test to compare... 

Monday morning back we went, they said my blood levels was around the 800 mark which was pretty high still so another blood test sent off...during this I made doctor phone calls talked to my midwife and the hospital and all said I could of been really early so I could still be pregnant...

Trying to believe my baby was still growing healthy... the next day they phoned me and said the levels of my blood was over a 1000 and to come back on the Friday for another blood test and scan.

Tuesday went with a blur... 

Wednesday 8th of June the pains increased.. they started to get worse during the day all in my right side... no amount of paracetamol or hot baths helped.. the bleeding increased where I was changing my pad every hour.. 

I phoned the early pregnancy unit.. and the women told me to come in now. She said it sound like an eptopic pregnancy and needs to be checked.

So in we went. I heard about ectopic pregnancy but never meet anyone or read any story's so all this was rarely new... I remember crying on the phone to my sister with hiccuping down the line... scared out of my wits...

We reached the ward and was seen straight away... she felt my belly and because I wasn't wincing when she pressed down in certain areas she had hope...

Well that was until she did the internal examination (let's say it looked like a horror movie) she admitted me and had me booked in for the morning scan (first in line) because it was to late and nobody was working in the scan department. 

So 9am rolled around and off I went for the scan. We had to do internal scan again, it felt like the world froze...

She didn't speak I didn't speak, felt slow motion while she tapped along the board... squeezing my eyes closed "breathe in breathe out... it will be fine " I repeated and repeated.

The key board stopped tapping... I opened my eyes and just looking at her face I new I new there's was no good news... it wasn't going to be ok.. all my hopes dashed.. the sick knowing feeling I had been pushing down came full blown..

Next thing I registered was tissue in my hands wiping away the tears and the elderly lady in the opposite bed, cuddling me smothering me telling me she sorry but she couldn't sit there and just watch...

Deep down I was happy about this I really needed to be smothered right then..

The surgeon came in and talked about the procedures... but made it clear that my tube was 6cm wide and even with medication he thinks I'll still end up with surgery... so big breathes I signed the form and went down....

One minute the man was talking to me the next I woke in a room... 5 hour I was stuck there... 4 waiting for somebody to take me back to the ward... all they said was it went well and everything was removed.. I'd receive more details when the surgeon came round on ward... 

Back on the ward the surgeon did come quite quickly he said I was lucky I went for the surgery as my tube was leaking when they went in.I lost a lot of blood but not enough for a transfusion. Etc:...

I went home that night.. 8pm I got into bed and slept and cried and slept and cried.... I new I had to get it all out by the morning I couldn't just cry I had to be brave. 

I am blessed to have had the two baby's I carried and the one I stole (I won custody through court, my partners child) 3 beautiful boys need there mummy to be brave to explain what happened and why our angel wasn't coming home...

They talk about our angel all the time that he/she is in heaven... they helped make a little garden for our angel to... 

Although the passed months have been the hardest physically and emotionally I wouldn't of made it with out my 3 boys... just because we lost our angel early on doesn't mean we don't feel the pain..

We planned out our future with out baby we planned out the nursery, his/her christening.. we put our wedding back a year to make sure we could get the best... we bought numerous items to be prepared... just because we only new a couple of weeks doesn't mean we didn't loose part of us, our future..

All we heard of people was it could of been worse if you was further on, at least it happened when it did, you can try again.... I didn't say to try again! I wanted my baby back!!

I wanted to feel my baby move to kick I wanted the contractions so I new my baby was ready to come into this world... I feel cheated I know there's a missing piece... I got angry at the world all the poor babies that are neglected... why did it happen to me!

I just wanted my baby back!

My 3 boys and partner and sister are my rocks! I'm a strong believer of everything happens for a reason even if I don't like it... maybe in the future my angel will send us a sibling to complete out family but until then... 

Remember it's ok to get angry, it's ok to cry.

So my darling angel I love you, my love for you will never cease you are and always will be my missing piece!

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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