Story of #miscourage by Ashleigh Ridings,
The first time I found out I was pregnant I was 21 and just got back from my first girls holiday in Ibiza.
I was filled with panic and fear of what me and my boyfriend would do. We had just finished uni, basically just starting out. But one way or another we started working it out together, and we got used to our new plan together.
The night before my 12 weeks scan I lay in bed and found myself praying to god that everything would be ok, because deep down I knew something wasn’t. We turned up for our 12 week scan, and it was exactly as I had imagined it from watching them in TV.
The lady scanning me asked me how long I thought I was So explained and she told me I looked earlier than I was saying. She asked someone to come in for a second opinion and then broke the news to us. We had suffered a missed miscarriage. I remember just lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling which was stained in one corner where they must of had a leak, and thinking why is this happening to me? I am never going to go through this again, I will never ever get pregnant again because I could not bare the feeling I was having.
Years later I met my fiancée and we decided we would try for a baby. After waiting a year, and fighting with myself that there was something wrong with me, I actually fell pregnant! I could not believe it, I didn’t speak for 15 minuets from complete shock. I cried and whispered to myself, “I’m normal after all”.
We kept it a secret for as long as possible but I am awful for keeping exciting news so we eventually told close family.
This pregnancy was filled with a mix of excitement and anxiety. Every time I went to the toilet I would check to see if I was bleeding... and then I started spotting. A Completely normal part of pregnancy my midwife told me, however the midwife did understand my anxiety after my previous loss and referred me to Early Pregancy Unit for a scan.
I went to my scan and everything appeared to be fine, a heartbeat couldn’t be found at this point but I was made to feel this was normal and asked to come back in two weeks time. Two weeks later I went back and I just knew, I knew deep down that something wasn’t right, and unfortunately I was right. Our baby had stopped developing but again my body hadn’t expelled the miscarriage, so I had my 2nd DC.
My fiancé and I went ahead with planning our wedding and enjoying our life, we didn’t put any pressure on ourselves. Our wedding was booked and I was booked in for dress fittings etc, the wedding was rapidly becoming real. It was at this point we discussed me going on the pill as it was getting to close due to us marrying abroad and we wouldn’t have the time after having the baby to adjust before we fly off to get married. We discussed all of this on the Tuesday and on the Wednesday I had a gut instinct to do a test, and what would you know it’s was positive!
I could not believe what I was seeing, and for the first time after seeing a positive test I was actually elated. I had no fear or worry, this was the one, this was my time I could feel it. I decided to tell all our family and friends infact anyone who would listen! My view was that I hadn’t got chance to experience the joy of people congratulating us previously so I wanted it this time for as long as possible. Everyone was so supportive especially when I had my moments of doubt and worry, it all seemed perfect.
Until I started spotting again, pure panic come over me I could feel all the bad feelings coming back. At this time I also fell really ill with Quincy so was stuck in bed for a few days. As soon as I was able, I got up and drove to A&E crying and telling them I was having a miscarriage. They did urine test and the gynaecologist checked me over, then they told me I had a water infection. I couldn’t believe it, “so I have just over reacted? I’m not having a miscarriage?” “Probably not!” Said the student nurse. I was giggling to myself whilst ringing my mum to tell her. The nurse still booked me in for a scan just to make sure and I was happy with that.
I went for my scan the day before my birthday and I have never felt anxiety like it, I actually thought I was going to need to be sedated it was unbearable. I had googled, YouTubed and anything else I could do to find out exactly what should be happening with my body And my baby at this stage. I knew what I should be seeing on that screen at my scan.
In I went for the scan, I lay on the bed and the DR explained he would turn the screen when he had found what he was looking for and then he did, and I could see this tiny little flicker on the screen. I knew it, I knew it was my baby and it had a heart beat, he didn’t even have to tell me. In fact I told him! I was so excited and relieved that this was actually happening, I knew the statistics were in my favour this time. He printed me a picture and off I skipped with my birthday wish inside my tummy, it’s little heart beating away.
Fast forward to two weeks later and I am now lay in bed my eyes all swollen my heart sore and my tummy empty. My little heartbeat stopped beating and I lost my third baby. I’m not sure why but this one feels like the biggest loss, I don’t know if that’s because I saw all my hope on the screen and knew it had a beating heart or if it is a build up of all the love I’ve still not been able to give to my babies.
I know one day I will get to have a child, but this pain is endless. It’s so hard. I know some good will come out of all this sadness and I know I will one day get my rainbow baby, but that day will still be filled with sadness for my babies that I never met. Good night my little heartbeat.
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