#misCOURAGE story, 02/03/2017, by anonymous
A year ago, I lost my little baby at 12 weeks of pregnancy through a missed miscarriage. A viability scan showed no heartbeat where previously there was one. I was heartbroken.
At 10&1/2 weeks we had been very excited to hear a heartbeat, and see our little baby crossing its legs which I thought was adorable. I still have the scan and its very precious to me.
On Valentines weekend last year, I had natural and painful miscarriage in A & E and a few hours later, I was discharged. A whirlwind and a day I'll never forget.
The doctors were medically thorough prescribing strong painkillers to help with contractions and checking up on me, but offered no solace or support, only statistics about how common it was and I could try again in a few months.
I was in shock, it happened so fast.
I wandered off home with my fiance who was there every step of the way with me and also dazed and at a loss.
My hopes and dreams and plans shattered and our very real baby, gone.
I went back to work less than a week later, told nobody at work and found it very difficult to think about very little apart from my loss.
Life went on around me. But I wasn't coping well, and stress at work was building.
I used to cry most nights in the bath listening to sad songs.
My very wise friends saw I wasn't coping well, persuaded me to speak to a grief counciller and its been the best decision.
A year on, and I still think of my little one every day and what our lives would be like.
I still feel the longing and feel like there's someone missing in my life. I found the lead up to my due date and Christmas most difficult. I cried in the car in the car park outside the toyshop to pick up batteries for my nephews' Christmas present.
It would have been our first Christmas together, I should have been wrapping presents for my baby or cuddling a baby dressed as Santa.
Everyone says Christmas is a time for kids. I cried a lot on Christmas morning. Then I enjoyed the rest of the day with my family.
And on my baby's first year anniversary, I will take time out to remember my little one and shed some comfort tears.
Even though I have lost I have gained a lot also. I have a little person in my heart forever.
I have got closer to close friends who were very open to listen to my story and some who have shared similar stories of loss. My grief councillor really helps me to acknowledge and validate my loss and make time and be mindful to include my little baby going forward in my life.
I am hoping to get pregnant this year, but what once seemed certain now is unknown, the future is less certain.
Throwaway questions on my plans to have babies have me on my guard. I just answer with I hope so. And I really do. But I will never forget my little one, my first pregnancy.
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