My heart is aching and my soul is destroyed

Our memory of what could have been and our precious angel baby will stay with us forever. He or she will always still be a member of our family.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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by Emma Rose Tobin

May 2016

As I write this I am currently being given oxygen and antibiotics along with numerous painkillers. I have just come from surgery where I have had 'remaining products ' removed. At 15 ( 16 weeks in a couple of days) weeks pregnant, it is over and we no longer have our baby or the future we had dreamed of with that baby as part of our family.

Our twelve week scan took forever to come round. We knew we were pregnant early on as this baby was planned and I had all the circles in my diary and tests in the bathroom cabinet. We had booked the day off for the scan to be able to go around to family and show off the very first picture we would have of our baby. Unfortunately we never got that picture. Our little baby was not growing enough and there was no heartbeat detected. We were told maybe our dates were wrong. We had to wait an agonizing further 10 days to return for a scan and more information .. Within that time a million scenarios played out in my mind .. I bought pregnancy tests to see if I still got a positive result ( which I did ) and I re circled dates and worked out new due dates etc etc. looking back, it was all out of denial. I truly believe I knew all along from the moment that scan was not ok, that our precious baby was not ok.

When we returned we were told there had been some progression. So again we had no definite answers. The progression was a positive sign, yet there were still so many signs that all was not going to be ok. All the while we were trying to carry on with life as normal with so many people still not even knowing I was pregnant. I wanted to tell people so much. Especially as I still felt so so nauseous and had all the other symptoms that come along with being pregnant. My bump had even started to show.

We were due for another scan on Monday 23rd. On Sunday 22nd, around 5pm, I began to bleed. It was so sudden and such a violent bleed.. We had to go straight to the hospital and the pain was something I was so unprepared for. I had been warned if I was to miscarry it would be painful but this was agony and the sheer amount of blood and the alien feeling of what was passing was so distressing. It was so traumatic and something that will stay with me for such a long time.

Unfortunately I was left with some clots and "remaining products " that wouldn't pass so I had to be operated on. I've developed some infection in my lung also and am now anemic from losing so much blood. But they're the physical sides. The emotional side is something that has been able to have been put off until now.

We are so blessed to already have two children. A ten year old son and a 16 month old daughter. This can lead to comments such as "it'll be ok you already have two". I know people mean well and it comes from a good place but wow that gets me. Just because a baby is not yet born, it is still your baby. You have already pictured the day you take that baby home. Placing that warm, heavy bundle into the new cosy Moses basket and staring endlessly at them all the while them being oblivious to the impact they have made on your family.

Telling our son about this is something we have yet to do. We will do it once were home later today. And it is something I am absolutely dreading. But we will be strong for him.

I wanted to share this story as there a few important points. One is the afore mentioned inappropriate comments... As the receiver of such comments, the advice I would give is remember it's hard for people to know what to say for the best. And whatever they do say whether it be Wrong or right, it will be coming from a good place.

Some people won't get the severity of the pain this experience causes. You want to shake them and tell them how much it hurts and how it has left you feeling. But until you experience it, I don't think you could ever know. It is devastating for so many reasons. It is that emotionally painful, it becomes Physical. My heart is aching and my soul is destroyed. That will be temporary and I know in time it will ease. But our memory of what could have been and our precious angel baby will stay with us forever. He or she will always still be a member of our family. Coincidentally, today was my 16 week appointment where we would've heard his or her heartbeat for the very first time.

We will mark our baby with some sort of ceremony just for us. And try with all our might to keep smiling and still be mummy and daddy to the ones that also need us to be strong.

And in time I am sure we will try again with nothing but hope and prayer and positive thoughts. But mark my words, it will not replace this baby. This was our baby no matter how small and is and will always be part of our lovely, precious family.

I hope anyone who has this experience feels free and able to talk with honesty about their experience. You almost feel ashamed to talk about it, like it should be a secret. You worry people will just think you're attention seeking or want sympathy or you're making them feel awkward and uncomfortable. You're not and you don't. And I'm sure they might be at times but in comparison, what's a bit of awkwardness really.

For some people it just makes life easier,people knowing what you are going through. You want empathy not pity. You want people to know that you might not be physically able to do certain things just for now. Or emotionally cope with certain things also.

If you come across someone in this position. Be patient. Have some heart.

If you're in this situation, be patient. And have heart. As well as faith - and we send all of our love to you all.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 25 May 2016 - 17:43

    Ihave just read the story about our angel baby. I am this angel babies great granny and i will never forget about him or her. I feel so heart sore but not a thing can be done about it. We just have to be here for the very sad mummy's and daddy's who cant describe the pain they are feeling. Even tho we feel the same much harder for them. Just love them and care for them and pray for all the angel babies in gods care. I know this little prescious bundle will be so cared for by all my family that have taken the child to their hearts. God bless all the people in this position xx

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