Story of #miscourage by Louise Owen,
I wasn't going to share my story as many people think it's too personal, but I think the reason why is because it's not talked about, so I want to change that. Sorry if you think I've told it wrong or I'm overreacting, please remember this is my story .
Just over 2 weeks ago turned out to be one of the worst days I could ever imagine since the day I lost my mum just over a year ago.
That weekend I would have been 11 weeks pregnant. After a day of waiting in a&e and doctors appointments being told that I am fine and don't worry because I've been having bleeding, to go home as everything is fine, I found out the next day that my baby had no heartbeat and confirmed a week later that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, it took 5 weeks later for my body to show the signs. This week has been the worst. This was the week we had planned to share our exciting news, our 12 week scan was supposed to be on Monday just gone, but instead i had a scan to confirm it was all over.
loss is never easy, and I know loss in a way a lot of people my age don't. I lost my mum when she was 56, two grandparents in the last 3 months, but this time it's different. The thing with pregnancy loss is that you don't just lose your baby, you lose the future you imagined with them, you lose the bond that you had for that short time and you lose the fact that you've already become a mother when you started carrying your baby. It's different this early, you don't get to bury your baby and you don't get to say goodbye properly, but somehow you just have to accept that 'it was never meant to be' like everyone tells you.
The thing is, you've already imagined the day you first see your baby on your 12 week scan, you imagine the excitement of others around you when you share your news, you think about the first thing you will buy for your baby. You think about how you will decorate their room and if you'll be having a boy or a girl. You think about hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time and their first kick, you think about how big your bump will be. You think if they will look more like you or your partner. Mostly though, you imagine that day they arrive and you get to hold them in your arms and you know your family is complete. Now imagine all of those thoughts being taken away, that's real pain. That's what pregnancy loss is.
To top all of that, you don't just get to move on. You have to see your body change and you're reminded of that pain every single day, at first anyway. You see it all, everything that could have been, right in front of your eyes. So no you can just grieve, you have to live through it, emotionally and physically, because you're body won't have it any other way.
I think, there is a big problem with the understanding of pregnancy loss. I understand that for some it's simply too difficult, but I can see why too, sometimes it's so hard to be taken seriously. I had to see 6 different medical professionals before I was offered support.
but if you are reading this, and you've suffered miscarriage, please know you are not alone and I will listen.
You're never really told how common is, you never think it's going to happen to you. I believe it's as common as 1 in 4. Nobody knows why it happens really. Pregnancy is really a miracle and we take it for granted. You need lots of things to go right to have a healthy baby, and it's never something you have done. Although it's easy to think like that isn't it, blame yourself? What if I overdone it one day or had one to many cups of coffee? I know it's not my fault but what if.
I am terrified to become pregnant again. All I know with pregnancy is loss. I don't want to be counting the weeks again until the 'safe zone' because what is that? I don't want to get excited about the two lines on a pregnancy test, I don't want to tell anyone at all really, but I want a baby more than anything. Every bit of excitement is taken away after loss, and I feel so stupid for it.
I feel anger, sadness. I feel empty and numb, lonely and guilt. I am heartbroken.
So many people will tell you not to worry for next time but it's so easy to say, I was told that the first time and i took it for granted.
People will tell you it will get better, they will tell you 'it's okay you can try again', I know they're trying to help but it doesn't seem as easy as that, I have still lost my baby.
You are lucky if you get the support from friends and family like I did, but what did break me more than I thought is that the woman seems to get more support which I am grateful for, than the man, it was his baby too, and it breaks me that he didn't get the same.
Things in this journey soon become irrelevant, like the countless trips to hospital waiting to be taken seriously and to be listened to because you'll never know the answer to 'why me?'.
Deep down I know things will happen for us. I know this isn't the end, it's just the end of this chapter and soon I can start a new one. We will get our rainbow and we will be stronger because of this.
But I will never forget this, when I see the stars, I will always think of my angel baby and the short time we had together. I'll remember that little bond we had and the love I had for my baby, will never ever fade.
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