My family were amazing but I just wanted to curl up and be left.

by Laura

I think about the twins I lost every day.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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May 2016

2013 should have been a year full of joy; myself and my partner had just settled in to our first home together just after the new year and our wedding plans were in full swing for an April wedding.  I'd had my implant removed at the beginning of January with the hope of starting a family after the wedding (the cliché of a honeymoon baby sounded good to me!!), so it came as a surprise to find out I was pregnant just 3 weeks after the implant was removed! We were thrilled beyond words and worked out I would be around 14 weeks pregnant at our wedding so we could go ahead without making major changes etc and we planned to tell friends at the wedding reception. It was going to be so perfect.

I had sickness and fatigue; pretty standard as I was told, so I was unconcerned until I was around 8 weeks pregnant and I was getting the most awful cramps in my lower stomach. I spoke to my GP who said it was implantation pain but on the way home from there I fainted as the pain was so intense. I was arranged a scan at EPAU urgently to rule out ectopic. Nerves kicked in as I'd been naive in thinking nothing could happen to MY baby. 

The screen flickered and the sonographer smiled as she turned the screen to me; a small bean on the screen with a strong heartbeat. 6 weeks measuring which concerned me as I was sure I was 8-9. However, they didn't seem worried at all and discharged me on the spot. I couldn't shake a feeling of dread over the next week or so; the odds were in my favour surely after seeing a heartbeat, so why was I feeling so low? My fiancé was worried about my negativity and booked a private scan. At least I could see my baby and see how much it had grown in two weeks!! 

Excitement kicked in a little as we drove to the clinic. Everything is a bit blurry after that. 

"I'm sorry" the sonography said, "the babies have no heartbeats".
Babies?! She explained and showed us on the screen; one visibly smaller than the other. A D&C followed over the next few days after a confirmation at the EPAU. My world ended for a while right there. My wedding passed in a blur of joy and sadness of the "what ifs". My family were amazing but I just wanted to curl up and be left; great start to married life. 
In the May my nan was diagnosed with lung cancer. She had to have a PET scan involving radiation and on the pre-appointment letter it stated that after the procedure she couldn't go near pregnant people for 24 hrs after the scan. Now, we hadn't been trying for a baby as I'd only had one cycle, but we were letting nature take its course.

But I did a test just in case: positive! After a stressful 9 months, our son was born by section at 36 weeks. 9lbs 6oz of perfection. Followed by his brother exactly a year and a day later. 

I think about the twins every day; I feel that they gave me my boys so close together and are within them always. 

 

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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