by Leanne Parry
I have always been a positive person, even when things are stressful or going wrong, I have never shown it to the outside world. Nobody really knows what I have been through.
Before my daughter was born we went through 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy and when we were finally blessed with our beautiful girl I felt that my pain and fear had ended, I had achieved my dream of becoming a mum.
We decided to try for another baby in 2013 hoping that having a child already would have somehow "reset" my system and we would fall pregnant straight away, it didn't. I had a further 3 miscarriages and each one was more horrendous than the previous. We were devastated and the recurrent miscarriage service could offer no reason for our losses. My bloods were normal and scans showed Polycystic ovaries which I already knew about so I just felt like a failure, I needed a reason so I could blame it on something else not just my body's inability to carry a baby again.
We decided to stop trying in November last year, I just couldn't bear to cope with the emotional and physical pain of a miscarriage anymore and I had come to terms with having one child, I am so lucky to be able to have had her.
In April this year, 1 week after we moved house and 1 week after I plucked up the courage to give all our baby things away to someone who would really need it, we unexpectedly found out that I was pregnant. Shocked is an understatement, my husband and I didn't talk about it for 3 weeks. We were too afraid to, even when we started having fortnightly scans in the Recurrent miscarriage service. Every scan showed some growth, by 6 weeks we saw a heartbeat and there was a glimmer of hope that this one would survive. And still we couldn't bring ourselves to talk about it.
The fear of losing a pregnancy after several losses is crippling, we are now at 18 weeks and every week that I reach, rather than feeling relieved and excited, the fear is getting worse, I am petrified of miscarrying.
I am thankful that I have such a supportive husband and close family, they keep me grounded and having a daughter who every day is getting more excited about her new sibling, helps me to look forward to the future as a family of 4. The fear is not going to go away but I can try and keep positive and talk to people about my worries.
I hope that my telling my story women like me will know that they are not alone, we should feel comfortable in telling others about miscarriage, I wish that more could be done to prevent it.
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