I have PCOS and endometriosis and struggle from the age of 16 to come to terms with never having a child so the birth of my son was a miracle.
I had tried for 4 years to get pregnant again after the birth of my son the doctor finally agreed that he would let me try clomid after months and months of disappointment.
The disappointment of seeing the negative pregnancy test was just to mush for me each month after desperate attempts to give my son a sibling.
Finally after clomid and the dreaded two week wait I took a pregnancy test to find that I was pregnant the excitement of waiting this long and finally finding out was to much for me and I rang everyone I could little did I know that just 5 weeks later I would be in early pregnancy.
The bleeding started early at around 5 weeks and a sharp shooting pain but was only small and I never had any signs of miscarriage no cramps I just carried on then a week later the bleeding continued down the hospital to be told the tests still say your pregnant it's probably nothing three times I was told this until a scan at the early pregnancy revealed I was 6 weeks pregnant by my dates I was 9.
The nurse said I probably got my dates wrong but I knew I was right I went home after little sleep and laid in bed my back was aching.
I still has all the pregnancy symptoms but I knew something was wrong.
I naively told myself that everything would be okay but then I just broke down I couldn't talk the tears just flowed and flowed I was hysterical how could I wait this long just for it to be taken away so quickly I called the hospital and they couldn't understand my plea.
The next morning I woke a rushed to the bathroom there in my bathroom I lost the baby I had waited so long to have I couldn't function my whole body was numb I had my son and he was my everything but the battle had been pointless I thought back to what I could have done wrong why this had happened.
After losing the baby I was sat in early pregnancy watching mothers come out with scan photos while I was sitting there waiting to be told that my baby was gone.
The baby would have been born on valentines day and would have been 1 this year.
The pain never goes away when I think about what the baby might have looked like names and birthdays whether it was a girl or boy.
The pain will never go away even with continuing to try for a baby and disappointment every month I still remember the baby that never was.
The heartache is real and even writing this the tears don't stop
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