I remember feeling extremely hot walking through shops, constantly feeling dizzy and having to sit down almost every few minutes.
I also remember the headaches I got, the back pain that was unreal, and the emotional burst of tears that I would get thinking about cheese and lemons.
It didn't even phase me that I could be pregnant, I didn't even realise I had missed my period I was so tired and felt that awful it didn't even occur to me.
It wasn't until my friend suggested doing a test in case, so I said to my partner we should do a test and can rule it out and he agreed.
So we got a test and done as it said, I was so adamant that it would be negative, glanced at it and said "I told you so" only when I looked at it again, there it was, that tiny second line that made me feel so happy, happier than I've ever felt before.
I can't even explain how it made me feel, but it was amazing, I cried happy tears and so did my amazing partner!
We were so excited, his face said it all, we were going to be a mummy & daddy!
We started imagining the future and what it would be like, I was so happy! We both were.
A few days later we went to the doctor and had it confirmed & got our appointment at the midwife. I was around about 6 weeks, crazy to think a little life had been growing inside of me and I hadn't even realised.
Only one night I was in the bathroom, I noticed there was - what I thought was a blood clot on my pants, slightly large and unexpected. I immediately started crying, confused and hurt I didn't know what to do, I inspected it and realised it was a tiny little fetus like shape, just this nothing else. No other blood, nothing at all.
I immediately knew, I knew this was my perfect little baby, although I didn't want to accept it, I sat in the bathroom for a good hour or so, not saying anything.
When my partner came to see what I was doing I acted completely natural. Only a short while after I got the most agonising cramps ever, I began to bleed furiously and a trip to the hospital was compulsory.
I told my partner what happened and he tried to reassure me (like any protective man would do) only when we got to the hospital and the scan had been done, we had to come to terms that our little bundle of joy was no longer growing inside my tummy.
I was heartbroken, distraught, my partner was in shock, so heartbroken, poor soul didn't know what to do, to cry? To be strong?
He was strong for my sake, only I could see what it was doing to him and how he was feeling.
After being like a pin cushion to have bloods taken, my hormone level checked, I was able to go home. Nothing was said that whole way home.
When I got home I lay on the bed in silence until the dreaded phone all from the hospital came. It confirmed that I had miscarried, my hormone level was still high, although lower that it should have been if my beautiful baby was still growing inside of me.
I blamed myself, part of me still does. But no matter what my baby will never be forgotten,
My baby will always be my baby.
I'll always love and always think of my little baby, no one will ever replace them, my story may help others, and may be similar, I just want them to know that they are strong, brave & wonderful! No matter what, you are still that beautiful angels mummy, nothing can ever take that away! RIP to all the Angel babies, your are all dearly missed and will never be forgotten!
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