We already had one child when we decided we wanted to add to our family, I became pregnant in March 2014. I had a small amount of bleeding and decided to get it checked out and the EPAU did a scan. There was my tiny little baby at 8 weeks, heartbeat present. We carried on as usual till the 12 week scan, the sonographer was having trouble so I went and emptied my bladder. She finished the scan then sat me down and showed me what looked like a scan of a deflated balloon.
My baby had died and my stupid body had not done it's job properly to expel the pregnancy.
I had to go for a procedure to remove it. For the next couple of days knowing that that the baby I carried was dead was awful and once I had it done I felt so empty. People said the usual; at least you already have one child, you can always try again blah blah blah.
We decided to try again and in the November we found out we were pregnant again. I waited for the 12 week scan with dread. And it happened again. Same thing, same procedure.
I started blaming myself, was it something I had done? I analysed everything I had done or not done. I hadn't told many people I was pregnant but of course word gets around and having to keep telling people over and over and over again broke a little piece of me.
I felt ashamed that my body betrayed me not once but twice. We decided to try one last time and scan after scan showed a healthy foetus. A year after the first was due (we called it jelly bean) our daughter was born.
I still think and wonder what my other two would have looked like, were they boys or girls. My jelly bean and lil squirt.
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