My baby had died and my stupid body had not done it's job properly to expel the pregnancy

Having to keep telling people over and over and over again broke a little piece of me.

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by Zoe

May 2016

We already had one child when we decided we wanted to add to our family, I became pregnant in March 2014. I had a small amount of bleeding and decided to get it checked out and the EPAU did a scan. There was my tiny little baby at 8 weeks, heartbeat present. We carried on as usual till the 12 week scan, the sonographer was having trouble so I went and emptied my bladder. She finished the scan then sat me down and showed me what looked like a scan of a deflated balloon.

My baby had died and my stupid body had not done it's job properly to expel the pregnancy.

I had to go for a procedure to remove it. For the next couple of days knowing that that the baby I carried was dead was awful and once I had it done I felt so empty. People said the usual; at least you already have one child, you can always try again blah blah blah.

We decided to try again and in the November we found out we were pregnant again. I waited for the 12 week scan with dread. And it happened again. Same thing, same procedure.

I started blaming myself, was it something I had done? I analysed everything I had done or not done. I hadn't told many people I was pregnant but of course word gets around and having to keep telling people over and over and over again broke a little piece of me.

I felt ashamed that my body betrayed me not once but twice. We decided to try one last time and scan after scan showed a healthy foetus.  A year after the first was due (we called it jelly bean) our daughter was born.
I still think and wonder what my other two would have looked like, were they boys or girls. My jelly bean and lil squirt.

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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