My babies would have been nearly three and nearly two.
The first was a happy accident, I was pregnant and bewildered, then a few days later I was faced with blood and cramps, my heart was in tatters.
I picked myself up, put on a brave face at work and thought to myself; I'll be OK. I didn't tell people. I thought, wasn't really a baby....
Three months later and I was pregnant again, this time at 1-2 weeks. I felt sick. For one week we carried that beautiful secret. Terrified and hopeful. Bleeding, beyond painful cramps another loss. This time it was more brutal.
Primal crying and earth-shattering pain, it still It hurts now; the loss, the mourning, the hatred of my body.
You see, it was me. I had something in my pelvis that meant my womb was out of shape. The babies couldn't implant. Surgery, progesterone pessaries and a heartbreaking OCD and PerinatalAnxiety treatment later and my rainbow is one. I was lucky, my gynae problems helped me discover what was wrong. Otherwise I would have had to wait to loose another pregnancy before they looked into it!
We are happy and healthy and oh so so grateful.
Motherhood begun from the second that 1st test was positive. Not a day goes by when I don't think of the two that might have been.
My little rainbows mummy loves you x
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