We had been trying to have a baby for three years. So so many negative tests and hours of crying into a pillow. Then suddenly I tested on a whim and it was positive. Then the next day it was positive again ! I was thrilled, my husband worried. I went to see the midwife, filled out the paperwork. For three glorious weeks I was going to be a Mum. I started to feel so sick. But I was so happy.
My grandad was ill, he was dying. We went to say one final goodbye, I told him I was pregnant.
About two weeks after he died I started to bleed. We were on a day out in Weymouth with friends. I started to bleed more and more, the friends we were with were dismissive but I knew something was wrong. I was sent to Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) the next day and they said the baby was dead. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. I wish I had asked for a scan photo so I could keep something.
Everything came out naturally, it was some of the worst pain ever but at least I avoided any intervention. I had no one to talk to, everyone just said oh it will happen again. I felt so alone.
We were in church the fathers day after it all happened. I cried buckets again. I noticed that my husband had got all starry-eyed and a tiny tear was dribbling from his eye. He suddenly held me really tight and told me he had seen a baby being cuddled by my grandad being carried away and that he knew it was a baby boy and he was safe.
That was in 2010. We were told we would never have children naturally, but now we have not one but two strapping boys, a 3 year old and a nine month old. So there is always hope, even though I lost hope after losing our first baby. x
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