#misCOURAGE story Farrah,
For weeks my body felt different, I knew something was not quite the same so on Christmas Eve 2015, myself and my partner went to do a pregnancy test, to our surprise it was positive! We both just looked at each other and cried,not just happy tears but scared tears to. What now? What do we do? How do we tell people? When's the scan? So many questions go through your mind.
We kept our secret over Christmas and once the festivities were over we booked an appointment at the doctors. They confirmed I was pregnant and got us in touch with our midwife.
The day we met our community midwife I felt nervous but excited. She went through a lot of information with us and booked us for a scan. That day I couldn't keep my secret in, I had to tell someone. So we went to my mums house and broke the news. She was delighted.
We then waited a week or so for our scan to come... the day that changed everything.
That morning of the scan I had so much mixed emotions. But the thought of something wrong didn't cross my mind. The sonographer took me and my partner through and started to scan...the moment I wish we never had. She brought another health professional through to look at the scan and they brought us through to a different room. That moment she told us "I'm so sorry but it looks like you've had a missed miscarriage". I just couldn't believe what she had told me! A missed miscarriage? What is that? How could I have a miscarriage? So many questions in my head I just wanted answers there and then. I didn't want to believe what she had told me. I had no signs or symptoms of a miscarriage,so as far as I'm aware I must still be pregnant.
A few minutes past which felt like forever and they offered me to come back in a few days time to put my mind at rest that they were right and my baby had grown its wings.
For days I didn't want to believe it and looked for every possible reason as to why the sonographer would be wrong. I cried and cried every single day. Until the day of the next scan. The day I dreaded.
That day they took us through once again. I tried to remain positive and think everything would be okay and they were intact wrong. We went through all the scan procedures and that's where they confirmed I had definitely had a missed miscarriage. The baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heart beat.
My whole world came crashing down. How could this be? What did I do wrong? Was it all my fault? I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to lash out at every person I saw. It wasn't over. They told me I could either see what happens and my body could get rid of what remains, or I could have an operation. I couldn't even bare to think that I had something no longer living inside me and I'd have to wait more days for my body to do its job. I felt sick. Me and my partner decided the best thing for us was to go through with the operation.
2 days later I was booked into day surgery. For some reason that day felt easier than the last few days. I don't no whether it was because I had answers I needed, or was it that I had taken in what had happened and accepted it. Was it because I thought the end was near. I still don't no to this day but that day I felt at peace. I went through surgery and Scott was waiting for me in recovery. I cried when I come round but I also felt relieved that now I can start to move on and deal with what's happened to us.
For weeks I felt guilty, I cried a lot, I took my anger out on friends and family but each day got better with their support. Then in may that year, I felt the same weird feeling inside like something was changing. We did another pregnancy test and it was positive. We had a tough pregnancy but made it through and now have our little rainbow baby who we welcomed In February 2016. Our world changed forever when Leo came into our world. He's healthy and full of beans. I call him our little ray of sunshine after the last year we had before. X
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By Tara (not verified) on 18 Dec 2019 - 00:58
Hi. Thank you for sharing your story. First, I am so sorry for your loss. And yet I am so happy for you and the joy that you must feel every time you hold your little one now.
I am sitting on my couch as I wrote this with tears falling. You see, I am in the midst of a miscarriage, again. My second this year. I was so happy to see my little ones heartbeat at my last appointment around 7.5 weeks. It made everything so real. Yesterday, going into my 12 week appointment I was elated about hearing the heartbeat this time. When the technician couldn’t find the baby over my abdomen, I just knew. I knew that something was wrong. Bringing in the doctor and doing a vaginal ultrasound they confirmed. There wasn’t a heartbeat. It must have happened shortly after my last appointment they said. After crying in the room and finding out our options we were able to come home and start grieving.
I have opted to have a surgical removal as I don’t think I can mentally and emotionally wait for nature to take its course. It seems awful, but I just want it to be over. I’m scared about the procedure and whether it will be painful. I’m afraid for whether I will be able to have a baby of my own. Or if there is a larger problem. I just hate not having answers. Did I do something wrong? Is my older age a problem? Am I meant to have a baby. I want a baby so badly and this time I thought I would. It makes this all that much more painful. So many questions and no answers. My husband is amazing. My family and friends are amazing but I feel so alone. To think that I will have to wait three months if we decide to try again is painful. Painful because in three months time I would have been 6 months into my pregnancy and just three short months until I got to meet my baby. I pray that I am going to have that chance. That the third time is really a charm. And that one day I can hold my own little one I am blessed with this life I have been given, with my job, with a loving husband who supports me, a family who loves me and a wonderful support network of friends. Perhaps I will get to use the crib, the bassinet, and eventually my nursery which I started a little too soon.
For all those women who have experienced similar pain I hope that you find peace and happiness. I hope that I will find my own peace and happiness too.