Six months after we began trying for a baby, we were finally given Clomid in order to promote ovulation and by some miracle, I was pregnant. The joy was short lived however, as I started bleeding two days later. The consultant later told me that I had what they call a 'chemical pregnancy'.
My heart broke and I had so many questions, but I also felt selfish.I already had a healthy and happy child. Whilst I was busy processing what had happened I felt guilty for using NHS resources and selfish for wanting another baby.
As time moved on, I too moved on, and in October of 2015 I was pregnant again and feeling positive. We talked about how we'd tell people and how we'd tell our daughter. We were planning for our future. At 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I woke at 5.25am desperate for the loo and that is where my pregnancy ended.
A trip to the hospital confirmed it. I was broken. It hit me harder this time because we were so positive.
My daughter was the reason I got out of bed every day and the reason I carried on with life. In January of 2016, I miscarried again and once more I was a static. A number on a data base.
Bodies can be cruel. Not only do I have fertility issues (PCOS), but once I'm pregnant I can't keep them. I feel like a failure but an accepting failure, and the way I now see it is I either pick up and try again or I give up.
I have decided to carry on.
With a new fertility drug the journey begins again. I can only hope for a new pregnancy, a happier and healthier pregnancy.
I'd also like a day to go by where someone doesn't say "when are you having another one?" Or "your daughter would love a brother or a sister" because the truth is I've had three more but for some reason they are angels and not here with us.
Yes my daughter will make an amazing sister, and one day I'll will give her that, but I just know when that day will be.
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