There are so many sad things that can happen in life but nothing prepares you for losing a child or children. The worry and despair that something bad will happen again actually becomes reality. You wish that you are asleep and that this is all a nightmare, it can't be happening again, but it is. Every scan you see, you grow more attached and love your baby so much, this little boy or girl will change your life forever.
I read a quote from a box the hospital gave me when my baby died. It was so apt and explained everything I felt at that moment, 'I carried you for every second of your life, but I will love you for every second of mine.' When you are told that there is a problem and that your baby will not make it you think to yourself can it be? You doubt yourself and everything that has been said in the past you believe and you begin blame yourself, why me again? I am a good person aren't I? What can I do to make this better? It must be wrong surely, I need a second opinion. You go on all the websites you can to find any answers to help to understand why? Why? Why?
You have a heavy heart, but don't want your child to suffer any longer so you decide that you will do what the doctors suggest. You wave your white flag of defeat, this is now beyond your control and you have to let God and nature take its course.
The nerves and guilt eat you up and you are dreading this, what is going to happen next, and how? Will your baby suffer? So many questions, but who do you ask? You love your husband and family so much and don't want to put this hurt on them and to show them how you are feeling. You know there are people you can talk to, but to be fair you still feel so alone. No two situations are ever the same therefore no one can truly understand the hurt and pain you are feeling. Your heart is breaking, and you wish and pray for a miracle. It doesn't come. Then you think to yourself how will this affect you and your family? How will you begin to manage and cope with this trauma? You have to be fine, you need to carry on for those around you and the responsibilities you have? Mortgages, bills, food for your family....
It's D-day and the day is finally here, for me it was my aunties 30th birthday and I felt guilty to take away the happiness from her birthday celebrations. The next day is Mother's Day and you want to be happy for your mum, and to let your daughter spoil you, but you are broken inside.
It's so scary having to deliver a baby early, miscarry or whatever your situation is, but having the right support will make it more bearable. I was very lucky and had my loving husband and my amazing and very big family behind me. My 'mums' (I have a couple of adopted ones too) on call ready for when I needed to talk and they were even FaceTime enabled!
One person who I will never forget, was the absolute angel of a nurse who took wonderful care of me
The first nurse wasn't very helpful, and just left me and my husband with the induction tablets, told me to go ahead when I was ready and to call her when it was all done? The shock and fear that my husband was going to have to deliver our gorgeous little baby was surreal, we asked what do we do? "Just sit on the toilet with a bedpan and call me once it's all done". Really?! Luckily for us the night nurse took over and introduced herself to me just in the nick of time.
I ruined my underwear as I wasn't prepared fully. I did have maternity pads on but not to the extent I needed for this. Tena Lady nappies and elastic pants became my new best friend! For me I was very lucky and delivered our beautiful baby very quickly, Jack was born sleeping on the 5th March 2016. So sad to have lost our beautiful little baby but so relieved you are not suffering anymore and so grateful to have been able to spend that precious hour with you.... our beautiful, perfect and tiny little baby, whom we love with all our hearts and we hope one day we will get to see again.
Almost bleeding to death (complication from the internal bleed) and the placenta not detaching properly was the highlight of the night after our baby's delivery. So much drama and stuff happening that you would not have thought of made it all so strange.
Spending the precious hour with our little man Jack was one of the best moments of our lives, our baby boy born sleeping. Who would have known how much you could love one little boy. We were convinced when he was born that he was a boy from looking at him (and his parts, there was no mistaking that) and when we had this confirmed from all the tests it made us realise how big the holes in our hearts were, and how much he would have completed our lovely little family. How much his mummy and daddy would have adored him and how sad it was that his big sister Chloe was never going to hold him, kiss him, play with him, fight with him and protect him at school.
You try to keep busy so you don't think about him (or try not to) but when you have a moment the sadness overwhelms you and you and let it in, it all comes rushing back. You try to fight the tears so that people can't see but it's so hard not to think about the precious love you had that is now gone! How can life be so cruel that this can happen and that you can lose your baby in this way? You question yourself and ask how can there be a god? You understand that other cruel things can happen in life but ask why this, and why did it happen to you and your family?
You try to organise his funeral and it feels so wrong, you wish you could swap places with him so he can have the chance to live a happy life, grow to be successful and to the be the boy you longed for and can be proud of
You basically want him to be just like his daddy! You picture him fixing cars and helping daddy do DIY around the house. You think about how Jack would idolise his big sister Chloe, but can see him growing up to annoy his sister and her friends as he gets older and she becomes a teenager. You can picture it all but it's all gone, gone in a split second.
The pain is still so unbearable, but knowing when he is laid to rest you can begin to heal, you plan everything but need to ensure all the family’s wishes are respected too. You have been dreading this day so much, you prepare all the things you can so that in your mind your baby is looked after and can follow the family’s traditions therefore will be at peace. Buying flowers was the last thing I needed to do, I was putting it all off for as long as I could as it felt so final. I will never forget the florist who was so lovely. She was in the middle of something when I arrived but dropped everything to help me choose flowers for my Jack, a small spray for his tiny coffin. She came over to hug me as my tears rolled down my hot red cheeks. She said she was sorry for our loss and it makes her so sad to do flowers for babies’ funerals. She gave me cards so when I got home, I wrote our card and finished off putting everything together for Jack’s coffin.
The day of Jack's funeral arrives - I couldn't sleep so woke up early just to sit and think about him. The funeral car arrives. I looked into the window at the gorgeous white box inside. Both me and the hubby sat with him on the drive to the cemetery whilst Chloe was at the front with Clare. I met Clare at the funeral home she is one of the directors for the charity that organised Jack's funeral, called ‘Children are butterflies’. She has been like a rock to our little family and has since become a wonderful friend.
Most of our family and friends were waiting for us to arrive. We had to wait for mum to arrive who had been up cooking since 5am bless her, she made sure Jack had a good send off. James and I carry Jack to his final resting place - just in front of my granddad - the tears flow but James is being so strong.
Chloe comes to my side and tells me she loves Jack from her heart to her feelings to her brain, that was the sweetest thing to hear at that moment and I know how much she loves her little brother
She said to me, “Mummy I'm sad but want to be strong for you....”. My uncles wife (who is always there for me) has the most beautiful words to celebrate Jack's short life and two readings/poems for me and James. It was beautiful and there was not a dry eye at the grave but for me the tears were only for a few moments. I'm fighting hard to hold back, as in the Buddhist tradition you shouldn't cry at funerals because the spirit cannot leave you and I want Jack to be safe and in heaven.
I feel so numb and empty as I see his little coffin lowered into the ground and as paper white petals are sprinkled over him instead of the dirt. I feel lost and helpless and cannot move when the two men fill up the grave with the dirt and soil.
Goodbye our sweet boy, our family will love you and miss you forever. Mummy feels a little peace now you’re in your final resting place. Mummy knows you'll always be here for us, and the family can visit you whenever they want now. Mummy's heart is aching; wants to be in there with you to keep you warm, but know the blanket (that your cousin Kerrie made for you) with daddy's aftershave and your tiny hat with mummy's perfume will keep you safe and warm. You are gone but never forgotten and mummy has put our photos and our hearts in there with you always and forever.
The traditional burial is now complete with more candles and joss sticks than you can ever imagine, but grandma is happy that her prayers were answered and it's not raining. The sun is shining for you Jack, you are our beautiful boy who is an angel who will protect us and watch over us, you will be our brightest star in the sky. You have made our little family that much stronger and even though you were only on this earth a short time you have left the biggest impact on all of our lives, we are so truly grateful to have had you in the family and you will always have a place in our hearts and in our home xxx
Sleep tight little one sweetest dreams and until we meet again.
Some people only dream of angels…
We have held one in our arms and forever in our hearts.
The morning after, I slept better than before, I had weeks of restless sleep since. I knew there may have been something wrong, but I still wake up before the alarm clock goes off thinking about you and missing you. The pain is still there but it's a different type of pain, it's somewhat less heavy. It's been a tough 6 weeks for all of us and your big sister has coped with a lot.
A week on and I still think about you everyday, I have been to your grave a few times but I wish things could be different and that you were still with us. I bought you an angel baby to put near your grave and he is beautiful like you. Sleep tight our precious baby Jack.
You are our angel, our darling, our star, and our love will find you wherever you are.
Love you always mummy, daddy and your big sister Chloe xxx
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