A man's miscarriage during IVF

Our dream of a family could be disappearing. I try to stay positive for my partner and stand strong as I know what this means to her.

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#misCOURAGE story, 27/04/2017, by Richard Powell

My wife to be and I have been trying for a baby for well over three years now and had decided to go down the IVF route as every test had come back inconclusive.

Finally we start on the programme and a week goes by and at that very moment 3 years of waiting came to an end; we were pregnant without needing to go through IVF. I remember joking with my partner that we always left things to the last minute and this truly was the last minute.

We called the clinic and told them the news and we believed that was us on our way finally.

Two weeks went by a scan undertaken, GP visited and were 6 weeks pregnant and spotting started. Obviously everything runs through your head and you take to google.

After reading online it seems that this is normal in some cases and we both decide not to panic. My partner goes off to work and we both try to put it to the back of our heads.

I get a text and a call saying my partner isn't feeling brilliant and that the spotting is still there and she's leaving work early to come home.

I try and think the best although after reading I know what might be happening; our dream of a family could be disappearing. 

I try to stay positive for my partner and stand strong as I know what this means to her. 

The next morning comes and its worse so we call the gp who advises a scan is needed at the hospital.

We drive to the hospital and the scan is undertaken and the silence in the room I will remember forever, two nurses and us and no sound from anyone.

Then the words I'm sorry, it looks like a miscarriage.

That moment and the moments after will always stay with me as some of the coldest I've ever encountered.

My partner who is extremely strong is broken and there is nothing I can do, the nurse comes back with a leaflet and sends us on our way as if nothing has happened.

The walk back to the car passing newborns, toddlers seemed forever and everyone seemed to have a baby with them today.

The drive home was silent with not one of us knowing what to do or say. 

We arrive home and sit together and I'm left having to be strong for my partner suddenly I have to be the positive one and support her through it.

A week goes by with the tears almost daily as not only has my partner lost a child we have now lost funding for IVF as we had conceived so the hope of doing it again gets that little bit smaller.

In a way I believe it made it worse for her as she is 35 and constantly concerned about 'the clock'. 

For me I still haven't started to grieve, I couldn't I needed to stay strong for her. No one could be told and until 6 months later the words we had a miscarriage never left my lips.

It was that moment that it effected me, my partner still obviously remembers it but has grieved and in a way moved on and accepted it however I hadn't it was still hard and is still now 8 months after the miscarriage.

While we are busy now planning for our wedding in 6 weeks I wonder how different things could have been. 

I don't write normally but I read someone's story in the mail and it made me think about my experience and how by talking about it you can recover from something that is not spoken about.

I have learnt after my partners miscarriage that early miscarriage effects more people than you might think however it's never spoken of as supposedly it's bad luck to tell people before 12 weeks.

I disagree with that, I believe now that you should talk about it as we would have been parents today just the same as anyone else but our baby died before we could say hello. 

Richard aged 30

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

  • By Ceridwen (not verified) on 30 Apr 2017 - 13:28

    Thank you for your bravery and courage in sharing your story. We went through the heartbreak of early miscarriage at this time last year. I can recall the silence when the news hits only too well. It is very good to hear the man's experience, I know it was very hard for my husband too.

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