#misCOURAGE story, 05/07/2017, by Roxanne
Hi my name is Roxy, I would like to share my story as I think it's important! It all starts by peeing on a stick right?
That amazing exciting feeling and the butterflies seeing the positive test! I instantly started planning.
Just browsing I told myself as I would scroll through the baby pages. I wanted to tell the world and scream I'm pregnant, and I basically did, every night I would kiss my bump and say love you, it got to 11 weeks when my dream got shattered.
I knew instantly I knew that my baby was gone I went straight to the out of hours doctors who I had explained everything too. She didn't look at all worried telling me it could be nothing but we will book you in for a early scan but we have nothing till Monday.
It was Thursday, that's a whole weekend I knew deep down my baby was gone.
I laid in bed I touched my bump and it felt empty for four days I cried my self to sleep. I wanted to scream but I'm a single mum to a beautiful 2 year old I had to keep together but I was broken and I knew she could see but I tried my best. I had a tiny bit off hope still as I was waiting for my scan, maybe I was carrying twins and I have a baby still there maybe I kept telling my self but every time I caught myself in the mirror I saw my disappearing bump.
Scan day came I knew what was coming but I didn't want to believe it but the women said the words "I'm sorry my baby died at 8 WEEKS!" That was 4 weeks ago. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
The nurse kept talking but I couldn't hear her, she said to come back the next day.That's what I did. They gave me tablets and told me to take the night before but they couldn't fit me in until the Thursday. This was getting traumatic. Wednesday I had to carry on, I took my little girl to the beach and we had tea in Frankie and Benny's.
I kissed her good night then the pain kicked in. It felt like contractions, I constantly needed the toilet. I was petrified I was alone I didn't know what to do. I then decided to write a poem to say goodbye to my baby as I wrote I kept feeling more pain like giving birth I didn't sleep a wink the next day the day off the operation.
Soon as I got in the room I just burst in to tears I told them what had happened the night before but still had to go for it. As I lay in the bed I felt nothing but guilt that I never got to kiss my baby or show my baby the world- my daughter never got to be a big sister. Walking out off the room I saw baby's everywhere I was empty. My faith in god came to a end, miracles no longer existed.
I kept thinking to my self, but a cuddle from my daughter and I know the pain will go away, I loved this baby I never got to hold.
I will tell people that I have one daughter and one angel baby. People should talk about miscarriage because it's important to feel not alone it's OK to grief regardless what others think I will continue to tell my story and want to help people xxx
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