#misCOURAGE story, 17/05/2017, by anonymous
I was 17 when I first found out I was pregnant with my 1st love and I was over the moon, but he wasn't happy at all.
A few days went by and my mum also found out she was pregnant so I had all these plans that we could go baby shopping together and she could help me as she had 2 kids and I didn't have a clue what to do.
After a few days I had severe pain and a lot after that was a blur.
I don't remember going to the hospital and having an operation but I remember going for a scan and being told the baby was 6 weeks and I remember going home and just crying day after day.
I even tried to take a load of pills and although I never spoke to a professional, looking back I know now that I had severe depression but had nobody to help or to even talk to as I wasn't close to my mum.
In the end a work colleague took me in and she saved me.
Years passed by and I met someone else and it was going really well until I got pregnant again and I was over the moon yet again but again, my then boyfriend wasn't happy at all and told me to get an abortion and I cried everyday and praying I wasn't going to have another miscarriage.
Anyway he started getting abusive physically, and on one day we was arguing about the baby and he started wrestling me and pushed me off the bed and I landed on my stomach and I had a panic attack.
A few weeks later me and my then boyfriend were walking through town and I just bled everywhere so he took me to the hospital to me having being told that I had another miscarriage.
I then thought I was 12 weeks but apparently the baby had passed at 8 weeks again.
I had depression and remember thinking I should have just left him although it may not have been that specifically it wouldn't have helped and always think what ifs, and my now 12 year old sister would have been an auntie to my 12 year old child as they were due roughly the same time.
But on a positive note, I am now married with a 4 year old and very happy, and although we are struggling to have another baby there's always hope of keep trying and fingers crossed but I always think about my pregnancies and know that they are now safe in heaven.
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