Story of #miscourage by Anonymous,
We started our journey, as most couples do, full of excitement, we were going to make a baby, everything was planned and fit in perfectly with our timetable.
As the months went by I started to worry, was there something wrong? Why was it taking so long? Each month it got harder and harder. After a year we decided it was time to get help and we were referred to a fertility clinic. We were both nervous but also excited, surely now we would get our baby!
We started our first IUI cycle in November 2013 full of hope but sadly it didn't work, we had been told it was normal to take 3 cycles so on we went to cycle 2, then 3, 4, 5 and 6 each time we heard the dreaded words, I'm sorry the test is negative. After that we decided it was time to move forward and try the big guns, IVF. I never thought it would come to that but after 2 years of trying it was time. Our first cycle went well, we had 9 little embryos all ready to go, since it was our first cycle we had only one transferred and then the long wait until test day.
The morning I was due to go in for bloods I just couldn't wait and took a test at 4 am, I sat there and watched the dye go across the test and to my amazement 2 lines appeared. I was shaking and just couldn't believe it, I woke up my husband shoved the test in his face and told him he was going to be a daddy. Later the day I had the most amazing phone call to confirm that I was pregnant and our beta hcg levels looked good, they booked me in for a scan 2 weeks later to confirm viability, we were both over the moon.
The morning of the scan I woke up to find I was bleeding, I knew instantly something was wrong. At the scan they gave us the worst news possible, we were having a missed miscarriage. Two further scans confirmed that we had lost our little baby and I was booked in for an operation to remove the 'products of conception'. It took us months before we were ready to try again, I'm not sure if I was more scared of it not working or working and losing another baby. Our next two transfers failed, it was awful, I felt like we had had our only chance of a baby and my body had let us down. We were sent for test after test and found I had a clotting problem so for the next round I was put on new medications. We had our last embryos transferred and then again went through the awful wait.
Test day came around and we both sat in the bathroom watching the dye run across the test, two lines appeared. I was terrified but also so happy to get another chance. Off I went for beta bloods with a smile on my face but our joy was short lived, later that day I had a phone call to say my hcg levels were too low, the pregnancy wasn't viable and I needed to stop my med's and let nature take its course. I couldn't believe it, not again. It took 5 days for the bleeding to start and each day I hoped it wouldn't appear, that the doctors were wrong and our bean was OK but of course they were right.
We had used up our embryos so it was time for another fresh cycle, everything went well but my ovaries got a little carried away and we ended up with 21 embryos!! It was December 2015 and we decided to have two transferred, test day was set for the 21st, what an amazing Christmas present would that be?? Needless to say we didn't manage to hold out that long and tested a few days before, 3 tests confirmed it, we were pregnant yet again! This time things felt different, I had really bad morning sickness which couldn't have made me more happy. We were so hopeful and had an amazing Christmas. Things soon went wrong though. The bleeding started just before new years, it came and went but I still felt sick and my tests were getting darker so we held onto hope that somehow things would be OK.
As soon as our clinic reopened in January we went for a scan, there was our little bean with a tiny little heartbeat, it was such an amazing sight to see. I was told to take it easy but for now everything was OK. 24 hrs later everything changed, I was rushed to hospital by ambulance where they told us our baby was gone, an hour later I was in surgery having an ERPC. I was in a state of shock, how could things change so quickly? No one knew what to say to us and I found a lot of friends just avoided us all together so it wouldn't awkward. I felt like my world was falling apart and such a failure that I couldn't do the one thing women are made for. The cycles after that were all a bit of a blur, twice more we had positive pregnancy tests and twice more we lost our babies making 5 losses in total. I didn't think I could go on but we had one tiny little blastocyst left and I couldn't just leave it sitting in the freezer we had to give it a chance. So without much hope, in January 2017 we had our last shot. I tried to be as relaxed as possible, I'd put my life on hold for so long so I needed some me time. I put off testing for as long as possible, I couldn't take another faint line or negative test. But one day I started to feel really sick and off so, in the middle of the afternoon I took a test.
It was positive, so was the next 5 tests I took, but I had started bleeding so surely this wasn't going to work out. Off I went to the clinic fully expecting this to be a chemical pregnancy, later that day the phone rang, my hcg levels were good (how could this be??) but with the bleeding they wanted me to have a scan the following week. That was one of the hardest weeks of my life, I didn't know if I should try to be positive or try to protect myself from any more hurt. Scan day came and we nervously went in. They started with the screen facing away from us but after a min or two they turned it around to show us the little black blob that was our baby. I still didn't know how to feel, we'd been through this far to many times to imagine we might get our happy ever after.
I was still bleeding on and off for the next few weeks but at each scan our little blob grew, at about 7 weeks we saw that magical little flicker that was the heartbeat and by 9 weeks we could see little arms and legs. I still couldn't fully believe this was happening but as the days went on and the morning sickness got worse it started to feel real. I'm now sat here, only a few weeks away from meeting our beautiful little rainbow, its been a very tough 8 months and I feel a little guilty that it took me a long time to bond with her or even to fully believe we were going to get to bring her home.
I will never forget our 5 little babies that we never got to hold in our arms but I think our journey has made us stronger and I've met so many amazing strong ladies who have been through similar along the way. So now I am just counting down the days until we get to meet our little miracle.
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